A neuroscientist walks through seven psychological mechanisms that make a person magnetic, and why none of them are about looks.
Posted
2 days ago
Duration
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educational
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57 · 43
Big Idea
The argument in one line.
People are attracted to those who expand their world, calm their nervous system and show real discipline, curiosity, growth, kindness and authenticity, not to those who merely look good.
Who This Is For
Read if. Skip if.
READ IF YOU ARE…
You want to be more magnetic in friendships, work and dating and you suspect looks are only a small part of it.
You're curious how nervous system regulation and attention networks are used to explain social attraction.
You're working on personal growth and want a checklist of habits that change how other people respond to you.
SKIP IF…
You want controlled studies and citations: the studies are described loosely and none are named.
You want dating tactics or scripts, since the advice is about who you are, not what you say.
TL;DR
The full version, fast.
Attraction is mostly about how people feel in your presence, not how you look. The speaker, a neuroscientist, names seven mechanisms. People are drawn to those who expand their sense of self, whose calm nervous system regulates theirs, and who keep their word. They are also drawn to people with curiosity and passion, visible growth, and kindness. The seventh is authenticity: standing out activates other people's ventral attention network, which draws some people in and irritates others. Her practical conclusion is to build an interesting world, regulate yourself, follow through on promises and stop dimming yourself.
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Promise of seven principles, intro, and a pre-order ask for her book.
01:24 – 05:00
02 · 1. Self-expansion theory
People are portals into new worlds, and we are drawn to those who expand our sense of self.
05:00 – 08:15
03 · 2. Emotional contagion and co-regulation
Others feel your nervous system state and respond to how you make them feel.
08:15 – 11:25
04 · 3. Self-control and consistency
Discipline builds trust and confidence, and regulates your own nervous system.
11:25 – 16:25
05 · 4. Curiosity and passion
Being interested makes you interesting; a bonus on regulation changing how you look.
16:25 – 17:20
06 · 5. Growth
People are attracted to those who evolve.
17:20 – 18:20
07 · 6. Pro-social behavior and generosity
Kindness is attractive, including kindness to yourself.
18:20 – 23:55
08 · 7. Authenticity and the ventral attention network
Standing out lights up others' attention networks, which attracts some and irritates others; closing masterclass and book pitch.
Atomic Insights
Lines worth screenshotting.
People are portals: meeting someone means entering their world, and you are attracted to the people whose world expands yours.
If you want to be attractive, curate your own world with hobbies, music, food and interests worth entering.
People respond less to your appearance than to how they feel in your presence.
Other people pick up the state of your nervous system, so constant stress and anxiety read as unattractive.
Discipline is a form of nervous system regulation: keeping your word to yourself makes you trustworthy to yourself, and that calms you.
Confidence is built through action, not positive thinking, which is why keeping promises to yourself makes you more attractive.
Being interested makes you interesting, and the topic matters less than the passion behind it.
People who talk mostly about the past are less attractive than people who talk about the present, the future and what they're curious about.
Regulating your nervous system can change how you physically look, not just how you feel.
Growth is attractive because we are drawn to people who have evolved since we last saw them.
Kindness and generosity measurably raise how attractive people rate you.
Authenticity makes you stand out, which triggers the ventral attention network, so some people are drawn in and some are irritated by being made to look.
Disliked-by-some is the expected price of authenticity, not a sign you're doing it wrong.
Takeaway
Seven habits that make you magnetic
WHAT TO LEARN
Attraction comes from how people feel in your world and presence, so the work is building a world worth entering and a nervous system worth being near.
Curate your own world with hobbies, tastes and interests, because people are drawn to those who expand their sense of self.
Your nervous system state is contagious, so managing stress and anxiety changes how others feel around you.
Keeping promises to yourself builds trust in yourself, which calms you and shows up as confidence other people notice.
Pursue something you're genuinely curious about, since being interested is what makes you interesting, whatever the topic.
Talk about the present and future more than the past, and keep growing so people see change when they meet you again.
Be kind and generous, to others and to yourself, because it's consistently rated as attractive.
Be openly yourself and accept that some people will dislike it, since standing out is what draws attention at all.
Glossary
Terms worth knowing.
Self-expansion theory
The idea that people are subconsciously drawn to those who widen their sense of self by introducing them to new experiences, tastes and ways of seeing.
Nervous system co-regulation
The way one person's calm or stressed state affects another person's nervous system when they are together.
Emotional contagion
The spread of one person's mood to the people around them, often without anyone noticing.
Ventral attention network
A brain network that shifts attention bottom-up toward something new, different or sudden in the environment.
Dorsal attention network
A brain network for top-down, deliberate focus, such as concentrating on a task you chose.
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When you understand the hidden psychology of attraction, why some people are so magnetic regardless of what they look like, you will become more magnetic too. You'll begin to attract the opportunities and experiences and people that you have always wanted.
So today, in this video, I'm going to give you the seven unexpected psychological principles that will make you significantly more attractive. And this is not just about romantic attraction. This is about becoming the type of person that other people naturally gravitate toward.
And if you're new here, hi, I'm Emily McDonald, also known as M on the brain on other socials. I am a neuroscientist. scientist by training.
I'm also an author, a speaker, and a coach to people in over 55 countries all over the world. And I'm here to help you rewire your brain, level up, and live your best life. Now, before I dive into the seven hidden psychological principles of attraction, I do have to just tell you that I have a book.
called Minecraft. And it is officially available for presale right now. And the link to pre -order this book will be in the description below.
I would be so forever grateful if you did pre -order my book. In case you didn't know, pre -orders mean so much to authors and they also mean so much for the success of a book. And so if you feel called to learn more about rewiring your brain and go through the entire process of how to rewire your brain, level up and actually begin to manifest anything that you want.
Go ahead and read this book. Let's get into it. Hidden psychological mechanism number one is self -expansion theory.
People are subconsciously attracted to those who expand their sense of self. What does that mean? I want to explain it by giving you my philosophical framework of what people really are.
People are portals. Every single person that you meet is a portal into a new world. So when we think about the neuroscience of this, every single one of us lives in our own reality.
You live in a completely different reality than I do and so on. We all live in our own worlds with our own habits and routines and beliefs and thoughts and the people that we know and the culture that we grew up in and the foods that we eat and the music that we listen to, right? Every single one of us lives in our own unique world that we have constructed and also lived in since birth, okay?
Think about it this way. When you meet a new person, you enter into their world. They bring you into their world.
Now, this can be for the better, and it can also be for the worse, right? So when I meet somebody and they introduce me to new foods and new music and new experiences, new places, new hobbies, new activities, that is attractive. When someone introduces you to a world that expands you, that expands Expands your sense of self, right?
Now, what if I or you were to meet someone that doesn't really have their own hobbies? They don't have their own unique music tastes and they're not interested in all these different types of foods and they're not interested in whatever it is. It could be clothing.
It could be... the opera, it could be dance, it could be literally anything. But when you meet someone and they don't have a world that you feel expanded in, you are not attracted to them.
Like it's subconsciously, you are less attracted to them. We are attracted to people who expand our senses of self. And I experienced this now, especially in business and in my life as I'm growing in this world that I am in, I've been meeting new people.
And when I meet people that have these networks and have all these cool things that they know and things that they do and just all these cool different hobbies and whatever the case may be, I am instantly... I subconsciously, I gravitate toward that person.
I feel more attracted to that person. Now, this is not, again, this is not just about romantic attraction. It is true for romantic attraction, but it's also true for attraction in general, attraction on a friendship level and attraction in, do I even want to know or talk to this person or do I never want to talk to this person again?
Does this person make me feel smaller? Does the portal that I go through when I interact with this person, does the world that I enter make me feel smaller? make me feel less than?
Does it make me feel like I have to dim my light rather than shine brighter? Does it make me more energized or does it make me doubt myself and question myself and actually feel sort of drained and exhausted, right? ask yourself this question, what world are people entering by knowing you?
And so the hack here to utilizing self -expansion theory for yourself to become significantly more attractive psychologically is to have a world that people want to enter into. Do you have interesting hobbies? Do you have a unique music taste or unique food?
Do you have unique things about yourself? And everybody does. You do.
If you're listening, you have that. But are you taking the time? to curate that?
Are you taking the time for yourself to spend time reading about things that you're curious about or spending time on your hobbies? Are you spending time on yourself and making your world an amazing place to be so that when other people enter through your portal into your world, they want to be there with you? Hidden psychological mechanism number two is actually a neurological mechanism.
Of course, I have to bring neuroscience into this. And it is emotional contagion and nervous system co -regulation.
People do not just respond to your appearance, they respond to how they feel in your presence. Now there are plenty of studies now that show that other people can feel the state of your nervous system.
This is called nervous system co -regulation, right? So when you are with someone you love, someone that makes you feel safe, this actually is regulating to your nervous system. It makes you feel safe, calmer, protected, more confident.
You feel more fearless. You feel better. You feel Like you are in a state to go and be your best self.
You've probably heard the saying before, right? Like people don't just remember all the things that you did. They remember how you made them feel.
And how you make other people feel isn't just about what you say. It's about the state of your own nervous system and your own emotional state. Because the other part of this mechanism that I mentioned is emotional contagion.
Now, we have chemical signals that we leak out into the air. They're called chemo signals. And other people...
subconsciously pick up on them. They've done studies on this where they had a group of people watch a scary movie, all right? And then they had other people walk into a room.
And they asked them, how do you feel? Now, these people reported feeling more anxious, more stressed, without knowing what happened in that room beforehand. So if you've ever walked into a room and felt like the vibe was off or been around a person and you feel like the vibe was off, this is why.
It's chemo signals, emotional contagion, and nervous system co -regulation. Vibes are not just energy, they are also... your nervous system.
It is you picking up on the state of other people's nervous system. So what energy are you giving off? What is your nervous system telling other people's nervous systems?
Because if you are constantly stressed and anxious, other people can feel that. And that is not attractive. It just isn't.
And that's just me being honest, right? I know not everyone wants to hear that. And I will say this just from my own personal experience growing up.
I dealt with a lot of mental health issues. I dealt with depression and anxiety and so on.
But I was the type of person that when I was around others, I always wanted them to feel good. Like I always, I guess you could call it a mask, but I always like. I was always the fun one around other people.
When I started to do all this work on myself, I became significantly happier. My beliefs shifted. I'm significantly more positive, more optimistic, more hopeful, more of a hype man for my friends and for everyone that's around me.
If you've ever been around me in person, I just hype, hype, hype you up. I just want you to win. And I find that when I was beginning this journey, when I would be around old friends that I had, they would tell me, Emily, like I always feel so much better after hanging out with you.
I always feel better after spending time with you. Other people can feel the state of your nervous system. They can feel your mental and emotional state.
And this is where taking care of yourself and loving yourself really does make a difference in whether or not other people are attracted to you on a neurological level. Hidden psychological mechanism number three is self -control and consistency. Aka.
discipline. They have done studies where they have found that we are subconsciously more attracted to people who have a strong sense of agency. We are subconsciously more attracted to people that have control over themselves, right?
Like this makes complete sense, especially if we're talking about in a romantic setting. If I am looking for a romantic partner and they don't have control over themselves, then how am I going to trust that they're not going to do me wrong, right? We are subconsciously more attracted to people who are reliable.
And this is intuitive. You're probably hearing me say this and you're like, yeah, obviously I am more willing to trust people that are reliable, that have control over themselves, that are more stable. And while it is intuitive, we often don't consider this when we're trying to figure out how do I become more attractive?
Now, there is also a little secret mechanism here because discipline is nervous system regulation. When you follow through on your word to yourself, when you do the things that you say you're going to do. you become more trustworthy to yourself.
And when you can trust yourself, that is regulating. Immediately, anxiety is relieved when you can trust yourself and when you're actually doing the things that you say you're going to do. If other people always told you they were going to do things and never did them, you wouldn't be able to trust them.
And then when you were around them, when you're around a person that you can't trust, are you really feeling safe and secure? No, you're probably on a swivel with them. You're probably watching very closely, paying very close attention.
So ask yourself this, do I follow through on my own word? Am I disciplined? Do I stay true to my word?
Do I do the things that I say I'm going to do? Am I doing all that I know I should be doing to achieve my goals and be the best version of myself? And if the answer is no, why would somebody be attracted to that?
You know what you're going to attract is other people that are also not disciplined and not working toward their goals and not following through on their word. right? And if you are watching this and you're wanting to become more attractive or more magnetic to the things that you want, you probably want to become magnetic to good things, not things that you don't want.
And there's a third little reason why discipline is so important and really is just that it builds confidence. When you do the things that you say you're going to do, when you're disciplined and you're on your grind towards your goals, you will be more confident because confidence isn't built just through thinking positive thoughts and believing in yourself.
It's built through action. Because your brain doesn't just listen to your thoughts. It listens to who you're being.
And when you build confidence, confidence is so attractive. We are so much more attracted to people who are confident. So what is one thing that you've been saying that you were going to do that you haven't been doing?
And start doing it. Start keeping that promise to yourself. And watch how much better you feel about yourself.
Watch how much more confident you feel. and watch how much more magnetic you become. Hidden psychological mechanism of attraction number four is curiosity and passion.
This connects to number one really well when I asked, what world are people entering into when they get to know you? And one of the ways to make your world more enjoyable to be in is to have a curiosity or a passion. When I began this journey of studying neuroscience and bettering myself and rewiring my brain and manifesting what I want, and I really became passionate about the brain, nervous system, manifestation, all of it, all of a sudden...
everybody wanted to talk to me. All of a sudden, all these people are wanting to get to know me and talk to me and ask me questions and have conversations with me. And now all of a sudden, truly, I am attracting opportunities all the time.
Every single day, opportunities are coming through the door to the point where I turn 90 % of them down. When you have something to be curious about, something to be passionate about, and it can be anything. I actually saw a video recently on Instagram.
went super viral. And it was this guy who read a book about salt. It was about the history of salt.
And he made this video about salt. And it was all of this super random information about salt. Just this random topic.
Like salt is the most random topic ever. But he made this video about it and it went so viral. It was magnetic, right?
It was attractive. This had nothing to do with what he looked like. It had nothing to do with even the topic.
Because let's be so honest, do most people care about that? I don't know. But what was so attractive about it was that he was passionate about it and it was something that was so random and he was so into it that it made it interesting.
So the key here is to be interested because when you are interested in something, it makes you interesting. I'm going to say that again. Being interested makes you interesting.
I just went on a podcast. I went on another podcast today, which won't be coming out for a while. So I can't name names or say who it was, but we were having a conversation and something that the interviewer said that was really, really good.
He said he has found that people tend to have two different lenses when you talk to them. Some people, when you talk to them, it's about the past and they're always bringing up, oh, remember back in the day when we did this? And oh, remember when we did this?
Or remember this one year, this one holiday? Remember this one trip? Remember?
And they're always talking about the past. And then... There's another type of person that's always talking about the present and the future, their goals.
They're talking about life or they're talking about something they're curious about. They have passions and they have information to offer and they're educating. These are really two different type of people.
And what I have found personally in my journey of going on this path of I have noticed that I do sometimes enter into conversations with people that I used to be very close with, and it's always about the past. Those conversations, at least to me, are not attractive.
Like it's not fun to be a part of that. It's not like, okay, like it's fun to reminisce for a second. But then for me now, I like to focus on the present and the future.
I like to live in the present and the future. That is attractive. People are subconsciously attracted to that.
So what are you curious about? What are you passionate about? Are you giving yourself time to explore your passions and your curiosities and to go down these rabbit holes so that you have something to offer to conversations when you're in them?
And there is one little bonus mechanism that happens when you regulate your nervous system that I haven't mentioned yet, which is that you actually will become more physically attractive when you regulate your nervous system as well. So it's not just about other people being subconsciously attracted to you or less attracted to you, depending on the state of your nervous system.
When you regulate yourself, you physically look different. I have had clients inside of my coaching program, Minecraft, who... they join and they are very anxious, very stressed, very overwhelmed.
And then by the end of it, I've had, I'm picturing this one student I had now inside of Minecraft, and she went through this complete transformation. And by the end of it, she was so happy. She started two businesses.
She was in, she got into this, she was in a thriving relationship and she looked physically different. She glowed. And I said that to her in a call once.
I was like, you look different. You're glowing. And she said, I feel different.
So when you heal and you begin to regulate your nervous system, not only do other people feel that, but you actually physically change what you look like too. I know this wasn't supposed to be about, you know, making yourself physically look different in this video, but regulating yourself and healing yourself does change what you look like.
It can change what you look like in a drastic way. Hidden psychological mechanism number five is growth. Something I say all the time is that growth is what makes you interesting.
It's true. We are not attracted to people who are just, you go back and you haven't seen somebody in 10 years and they're just doing the same exact thing they've been doing. They haven't grown.
They're just doing the same thing. Or when you meet up with someone you haven't seen in five years and they're in a new relationship and they started a new business or maybe they wrote a book or maybe they made a song or maybe they created some art or maybe they started figure skating. That's attractive.
Wow, you've grown. You've evolved. We are subconsciously attracted to people who evolve and grow.
Growth is what makes you interesting. I promise you, when you start to invest in your own personal growth, you will become significantly more attracted to other people, and it will happen so fast. Hidden psychological mechanism number six for becoming more attractive.
is pro -social behavior and generosity. And really what that is, is just kindness. And yes, they've shown it in studies that we are attracted to people who are kind.
Kindness is attractive. I'm not even going to make it too deep here. Kindness is attractive.
We are attracted to people who are kind and caring and generous. And yes, they have done studies where specifically this was... in women watching men but they had men walk down a sidewalk and someone asked them for money and you know some said yes some said no whatever and then afterward they asked these women who they found more attractive and the women were more likely to rate the people or the men who gave as more attractive right i mean come on we want to be friends with people.
We want to know people. We want to be connected to people. We want to be in relationships with people who are generous and kind and loving and caring.
So be that. Be that to yourself so that you can be that to others too. Because how you show up for yourself does absolutely reflect in how you show up for other people.
So be kind and generous to yourself too. And hidden psychological mechanism number seven. This one is good and I want to take my time with this one and you're going to want to really sit in this one because this one's juicy and this one's got some depth to it.
Number seven is authenticity. Now I want to take my time here because authenticity is one of those things that makes you extremely magnetic and attractive, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's always going to be attractive to amazing things.
It doesn't mean that you're always going to be magnetic to amazing things. Now I want to explain the neuroscience behind this for a second. So we have a network in our nervous system, in our brains, called the ventral attention network.
What this is, is it's actually our bottom up attention. So our brain is always kind of monitoring our environment and it alerts us when something stands out. So we have a dorsal attention network that dorsal means dorsal is like back, so top down.
okay dorsal attention network is the network that lights up it's active when you're i am personally like hey m you need to focus on filling this podcast that's me having my dorsal attention network active okay i need to focus on talking on making the point that i need to make that's dorsal attention network now we have a ventral attention network that activates whenever there is a distraction or something happening in our environment, something new, something different, something bold.
Now, that could be a notification popping up on your phone, but it could also be somebody walking down the street, glowing, sparkling, shining their light, wearing their outfit that they love and being themselves. Now, what I have experienced from my own personal life is that this attracts a lot of attention. When you read Really, really become bold and brave to shine your light and be exactly who you are.
You will activate other people's ventral attention networks, okay? Because you're going to stand out and you're going to be different. That's what authenticity is.
It's being the most you you could possibly be. And this, I saved this for last because this really might be one of the things that can make you the most magnetic. out of all of them, when you are the most you you could possibly be, you activate other people's ventral attention networks because you're different.
And other people's brains go, whoa, whoa, what's that thing over there that stands out from the rest? What's that thing that's very different and new and I've never experienced before? What's that light?
Some people are going to respond very positively to that. A lot of people will. A lot of people will compliment you or talk to you or...
You'll attract opportunities. But then there will be people who don't like it. And there will be people who are triggered.
Their eventual attention networks are triggered. And they don't get to choose to look at you. They just look at you because you're so magnetic.
This is the neuroscience of why you become magnetic when you're authentic, okay? So they have no choice but to look at you because you've lit up their eventual attention networks. Now, they don't like that.
They're like, I didn't want to look at you and you just made me look at you. And for whatever reason, whether it be because they don't allow themselves to be authentic, they don't allow themselves to be themselves and shine their own light, or they're angry at the world or they're angry, whatever the case may be, they won't like it.
And what you have to remember is just that that's why. They don't like it because you triggered their ventral attention network and they'd prefer that you not. And that's where you cannot feel guilty.
You cannot feel upset or feel bad. Because that's just what authenticity does. But what I will say is that you will be so magnetic because your world becomes a very unique experience.
I'm sure you've met a lot of people where when you enter their world, it's just the same. Like there are so many people out there where when you meet them. It's just more of the same.
They don't have anything very different, very unique, this energy that stands out. Authenticity is what makes your world one that people want to experience and they crave it because it's so different. Now, the beautiful thing about it is that every single one of us has authenticity.
Every single one of us has the power to have a unique world. Because you are a unique expression of life and you came to this planet to be the unique expression of life that only you can be. And in my opinion, my personal opinion and belief is that that is why authenticity is so powerful and it's so magnetic and it will make you more successful.
It'll make you more attractive. It changes the game on so many levels. And my personal belief is that's why.
It's because your purpose is you and you came to this planet to be the unique expression of life that only you could be. And so when you do that, you're literally living out your purpose. With that being said, if you want to get to know yourself on the deepest level possible, rewire your brain and maximize your potential to be the most you that you can be, then come to my free live masterclass where I teach you exactly how to become the version of you that you've always wanted to be.
The link is in the description below. And again, if you feel called to pre -order my book, Mindcraft, rewire your brain, level up and manifest your dream reality, the link will be in the description below. the description to do that as well thank you so much for watching you are amazing I believe in you you got this you can do absolutely anything you set your mind to so get out there and flip and do it I'll see you soon bye
The Hook
The bait, then the rug-pull.
Em opens with a promise that magnetism has little to do with looks, then spends 24 minutes on seven mechanisms, each tied to a habit you can change. The last one, authenticity, gets the most time and the most neuroscience.
Frameworks
Named ideas worth stealing.
01:24list
Seven psychological mechanisms of attraction
Self-expansion
Emotional contagion and co-regulation
Self-control and consistency
Curiosity and passion
Growth
Pro-social behavior
Authenticity
A checklist of traits that make people gravitate toward you in friendship, work and romance.
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