17:02Clark Kegley · Talking Head
Give me 17 minutes and I'll eliminate your self-sabotage forever
A whiteboard breakdown of the four-step loop behind self-sabotage — and the four fixes that break it.
July 6thThe argument in one line.
A little-known fifth section of How to Win Friends and Influence People, cut from print since 1981, argues that most marital misery and most social awkwardness trace back to the same fixable habit: failing to make people feel appreciated in small, daily ways.
Read if. Skip if.
READ IF YOU ARE…
- You read How to Win Friends and Influence People years ago and want the extra marriage chapter modern editions leave out.
- You're in a long relationship and want research-backed daily habits for keeping goodwill topped up, rather than another generic 'communicate more' tip.
- You want a fast tour of practical charisma and likability techniques, reciprocal liking, the Ben Franklin favor trick, warmth vs. competence, pulled from several different creators in one sitting.
- You're trying to make friends as an adult and want concrete conversation openers instead of vague advice like 'just put yourself out there.'
SKIP IF…
- You want one deep, sourced argument; this is a scrapbook of one historical essay plus a dozen borrowed tips from other channels and TikToks.
- You want the 'wife censored the book in 1981' claim fact-checked with citations; it's presented as narrated history, not sourced journalism.
The full version, fast.
Dale Carnegie's 1936 How to Win Friends and Influence People originally shipped with a fifth section on marriage that Carnegie's wife cut from every edition printed after 1981. The video reads the original text: Abraham Lincoln's miserable marriage to Mary Todd, Benjamin Disraeli's happy one, a judge's study blaming most divorces on daily neglect rather than big betrayals, and ten questions Carnegie thought every spouse should answer. From there it pivots into a compilation of modern charisma research and TikTok psychology, borrowing tips from Charisma on Command, a Matthew Hussey podcast clip, and other creators on confidence, likability, and making friends as an adult, tying it back to Carnegie's core claim that people crave to feel appreciated, not impressed.
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00:00 – 01:45
01 · The Missing Fifth Part
Casey sets up the mystery: How to Win Friends and Influence People is one of the best-selling nonfiction books ever, but the original five-part structure has been quietly reduced to four in every copy on shelves today.
01:45 – 03:39
02 · Even the Book's Parodies Are Famous
Clips of parody sketches built on the book's 'say their name' advice, plus a reminder that Charles Manson and Warren Buffett both credit the book's techniques for very different outcomes.
03:39 – 05:43
03 · How Dorothy Carnegie Erased It
The book's 1936 release and Carnegie's 1955 death, his wife Dorothy's 1981 rewrite that cut the marriage section, and Reddit posts from readers who remember a fifth part they can no longer find.
05:43 – 08:09
04 · Reading the Banned Chapter: Lincoln's Miserable Marriage
Carnegie's original text on Abraham Lincoln's marriage to Mary Todd Lincoln, the coffee-in-the-face story, and the lesson that nagging someone who won't change just drives them away.
08:09 – 09:45
05 · Disraeli's Happy Marriage
Contrasting case study: Benjamin Disraeli's wife Marianne, who never criticized him and lived for his company, plus Henry James's 'non-interference' rule for happy relationships.
09:45 – 11:26
06 · The Contingency of Marriage
A judge's review of 40,000 marital disputes blaming trivial daily neglect for most unhappiness, Elizabeth Barrett Browning's small daily gifts, and the Reno divorce-court line about love going away 'in little ways.'
11:26 – 12:51
07 · Chapter Six: The Courtesy Rule
Carnegie's rule that we're often ruder to family than to strangers, plus the Turgenev quote about trading all his genius for a woman who cared whether he came home late.
12:51 – 14:27
08 · The Praise Trick and the Truly Forbidden Chapter
Carnegie's advice to praise the behavior you want repeated in a spouse, then the reveal that the real reason the section was pulled was its chapter on sex life as the leading cause of divorce.
14:27 – 14:56
09 · Ten Questions, and Don't Marry Mary Todd Lincoln
Carnegie's ten self-audit questions for husbands and wives, closing the banned-chapter section with the joke that the biggest takeaway is simply not marrying someone like Mary Todd Lincoln.
14:56 – 17:37
10 · Three Mindsets from Charisma on Command
Casey reveals he briefly worked for the YouTube channel Charisma on Command and walks through its three confidence mindsets: play to win, you'll be okay no matter what, and act before you feel confident.
17:37 – 22:10
11 · Don Draper's Deepest Layer of Confidence
Mad Men clips illustrate confidence built from telling the truth at personal cost and staying non-reactive under provocation, plus the finding that people give themselves less time to respond than they'd give others.
22:10 – 26:30
12 · Getting Recognized, and the Psychology of Being Liked
A personal story about being recognized by a fan in front of friends who used to mock him, then a compilation on reciprocal liking, similarity, and the 36-questions study that gets strangers to fall for each other.
26:30 – 29:31
13 · The Ben Franklin Effect and Three Magic Phrases
Asking for a small favor to manufacture liking, then three phrases, 'I was just thinking of you,' 'you're always so...,' 'last time we talked, you mentioned...', for signaling you actually pay attention to someone.
29:31 – 33:11
14 · Validation, Smiling, and Breaking Expectations
A TikTok clip on people's deep need for validation, a technique for delaying your smile on first greeting, and the tip to answer 'how are you' honestly instead of on autopilot.
33:11 – 37:58
15 · Matthew Hussey's Warm Relationships and the Charisma Formula
A Matthew Hussey podcast clip on learning names at a coffee shop to build 'warm relationships,' Casey's own freshman-year friend-count story, and the Princeton finding that warmth plus competence drives 82% of how people perceive you.
37:58 – 41:06
16 · Let Them Think It's Their Idea
A persuasion technique for getting agreement by asking a guiding question instead of pitching directly, illustrated with the 'sell me this pen' framing.
41:06 – 48:08
17 · Talk to Strangers: Three Steps to Real Friendship
Casey's own three-step method for adult friendship, initiate repeatedly, say out loud you need a friend, make it regular, plus tricks for sneaking into a friend group and the 'familiarity effect' that treats strangers like old friends.
Lines worth screenshotting.
- Dale Carnegie's original 1936 How to Win Friends and Influence People had a fifth section on marriage that's been missing from every edition printed since his wife revised it in 1981.
- A judge who reviewed 40,000 marital disputes concluded most divorces come from trivial daily neglect, not big betrayals.
- Mary Todd Lincoln once threw a cup of hot coffee in Abraham Lincoln's face at breakfast in front of guests.
- Carnegie's marriage rule boils down to one word: admiration, not shared interests, is what a lasting marriage actually runs on.
- People give themselves only 30% as much time to respond as they'd give someone else, which is why pausing before you answer reads as confidence.
- A Princeton study found charisma, built from just warmth and competence, accounts for 82% of how people perceive you.
- The Ben Franklin effect works because once someone does you a small favor, their brain decides they must like you, or they wouldn't have helped.
- Reciprocal liking means people like you more once they believe you already like them, the same reason a dog's excitement to see you feels good.
- Confidence isn't the absence of fear, it's acting despite it and trusting you'll be okay even if you fail in front of everyone.
- Texting fewer people isn't unpopularity; researchers found close, deep relationships consistently beat a wide circle of shallow ones.
- One commenter cut off contact with every friend to see who would reach out first; nobody did, after 10 to 15 years of friendship.
- Carnegie's real final chapter argued an unhappy sex life, not incompatibility or money, was the leading cause of divorce, which is why it was cut in 1981, not the marriage advice around it.
Likability Is a Skill You Can Learn
THE LIKABILITY PLAYBOOK
From a 1936 marriage chapter to modern charisma research, the throughline is the same: people don't fall for confidence or charm, they fall for feeling appreciated, validated, and genuinely seen.
02Even the Book's Parodies Are Famous
- Even parody sketches about saying someone's name repeatedly prove how recognizable Carnegie's core advice has become, decades after the book's release.
- Real people used the book's methods for very different ends: Warren Buffett used it to build confidence, and Charles Manson used the same persuasion tactics to manipulate followers.
03How Dorothy Carnegie Erased It
- A widely-read self-help book can be quietly rewritten by an estate after the author's death, and later editions won't tell you what was cut or why.
- Before trusting a self-help classic, check whether you're reading the original text or a later 'revised for modern audiences' edition; the changes can remove entire arguments.
04Reading the Banned Chapter: Lincoln's Miserable Marriage
- Nagging someone about a flaw they already know about tends to make them avoid you rather than change, no matter how justified the complaint is.
- If repeated feedback isn't landing, the problem usually isn't volume, it's that repetition itself reads as disrespect and invites withdrawal, not correction.
05Disraeli's Happy Marriage
- A lasting relationship runs on admiration and mutual attentiveness more than on shared hobbies or interests, according to Carnegie's own case studies.
- The rule of non-interference, staying out of how someone else pursues happiness as long as it doesn't hurt you, applies to any close relationship, not just marriage.
06The Contingency of Marriage
- A judge who reviewed 40,000 marital disputes concluded that most unhappiness comes from an accumulation of small daily neglects, not one big betrayal.
- Small daily gestures compound because you repeat them for decades; treat them as investments, not afterthoughts.
07Chapter Six: The Courtesy Rule
- People are often more careful and polite with strangers than with the family members they see every day, exactly backwards from where courtesy matters most.
- The people you're most likely to insult without thinking are the ones least likely to leave, which makes restraint with them a deliberate skill, not a given.
08The Praise Trick and the Truly Forbidden Chapter
- Telling someone what you already believe about them, 'you're a great money manager,' makes them more likely to live up to that description.
- Praising a behavior you want repeated works better than criticizing one you want stopped, in a relationship or anywhere else.
09Ten Questions, and Don't Marry Mary Todd Lincoln
- Carnegie's ten marriage self-audit questions, financial trust, respect in front of others, shared recreational time, work as a check on any close relationship, not just a marriage.
10Three Mindsets from Charisma on Command
- Trying only to avoid a bad impression usually means making no impression at all; aim to actively create a good one instead.
- Your value as a person doesn't rise or fall based on one social interaction going badly, even if it goes badly in public.
- Confidence is not a precondition for bold action, it's the result of having already taken bold action and survived it.
11Don Draper's Deepest Layer of Confidence
- Looking confident under pressure is less about hiding fear and more about being willing to tell the truth even when it costs you something.
- Staying non-reactive when someone provokes you signals that your sense of self isn't threatened, which reads to others as real power.
- People give themselves roughly a third as much time to respond as they'd give someone else; pausing before you answer reads as composure, not slowness.
12Getting Recognized, and the Psychology of Being Liked
- Being talked about behind your back by people who claim to support you is a normal cost of doing anything ambitious, not proof you're wrong.
- Reciprocal liking is real: acting genuinely excited to see someone makes them register you as safe and likable, the same reason a dog's greeting feels good.
- Pointing out something you have in common with someone activates an unconscious preference for people who resemble us.
13The Ben Franklin Effect and Three Magic Phrases
- Asking someone for a small favor, then thanking them by name, makes them more likely to believe they like you, because their mind rationalizes the favor after the fact.
- Telling someone 'you're always so...' followed by a specific positive trait is a high-value compliment because it labels their identity, not just a moment.
- Referencing something specific from a past conversation signals you actually listened, which most people rarely experience from others.
14Validation, Smiling, and Breaking Expectations
- Doing the opposite of what's expected in a low-stakes moment, like giving an honest answer to 'how are you,' lowers people's guard and opens real conversation.
- People crave validation for their intellect, morals, and effort; withholding it breeds resentment, and giving it deliberately is one of the most reliable ways to build goodwill.
15Matthew Hussey's Warm Relationships and the Charisma Formula
- Learning names deliberately and rehearsing them before you see someone again builds what researchers call 'warm relationships,' the sense of belonging that comes from being recognized repeatedly.
- Having a few real close friends while feeling 'unpopular' by message volume is a false trade; fewer, deeper relationships consistently beat many shallow ones.
- Charisma breaks down into two levers, warmth and competence, and most people over-invest in one at the expense of the other; noticing which one you're missing is the fix.
16Let Them Think It's Their Idea
- Framing a request as a guiding question lets the other person arrive at your desired conclusion themselves, and people defend ideas more when they believe the idea is theirs.
17Talk to Strangers: Three Steps to Real Friendship
- Making friends as an adult requires being the initiator repeatedly, with no guarantee it's reciprocated, and that's normal, not a sign the friendship was fake.
- Saying out loud that you need a friend feels awkward every time, but naming the need directly moves it from a vague wish to an actual action.
- Treating a stranger with the warmth of an existing friend, skipping small talk and going straight into genuine conversation, is a repeatable skill, not a personality quirk some people just have.
Terms worth knowing.
- Reciprocal liking
- The psychological tendency to like people more once you believe they already like you, which is why acting genuinely excited to see someone makes them warmer toward you.
- The Ben Franklin effect
- A persuasion trick where asking someone for a small favor makes them like you more, because their mind rationalizes the favor as proof they must like you.
- Familiarity effect
- Treating a stranger as if they were already a friend, skipping small talk and going straight into a warm tone, which makes people instantly more comfortable around you.
- Warmth and competence
- The two traits researchers say combine to form charisma: warmth signals you care, competence signals you can be trusted to deliver, and most people over-index on only one.
- Conjugal infelicity
- An old-fashioned phrase, used by Lincoln's law partner, for chronic unhappiness within a marriage.
- Conversational Velcro
- The idea that the more topics you volunteer about yourself in conversation, the more surface area a listener has to latch onto and keep the exchange going.
Things they pointed at.
14:56channelCharisma on Command
31:21channelRobert Greene (TikTok clip on validation and insecurity)
33:11channelMatthew Hussey (podcast clip, "How to Make Friends as an Adult")
32:20bookHow to Talk to Anyone (Leil Lowndes)
17:37productMad Men
Lines you could clip.
06:03
“The great tragedy of Abraham Lincoln's life also was his marriage. Not his assassination, mind you, but his marriage.”
19:59
“This is the deepest layer of confidence. It's living your life at least socially like you will be okay no matter what.”
41:52
“I was the initiator of all my friendships. I decided to stop contacting my friends to see what would happen. I literally did not hear from any of them.”
47:37
“Think of everything you say as conversational Velcro.”
Word for word.
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metaphoranalogystory
Second only to Anne Frank's diary, Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People is easily the most famous nonfiction book of all time. And it's influenced countless political leaders and celebrities.
Also, Johnny Cash, Oprah Winfrey, Tony Robbins, Ronald Reagan, and Lyndon Johnson credit their success partly to this book. However, There's something darker that's been erased from history.
Check it out in any library or Barnes & Noble, and you'll see it's divided into four parts. But that's really strange because Carnegie wrote five. But you won't be able to find this fifth part anywhere.
In fact, there's not even any YouTube videos or TikToks talking about it. What happened to the whole fifth section of the second most famous nonfiction book of all time? What was so scandalous or threatening about an entire fifth of this book that it not only had to be erased, but scrubbed from history and never printed again?
On this channel, I discuss the decline in education, so I think it's incumbent upon me when I see a gaping hole in our general knowledge. to fill it. That's why I try to make videos on forgotten parts of European and American and Civil War history.
In university, I was trained as a researcher. So if there's a major part of history that's being banned, that people aren't allowed to talk about, I want to expose it. And so the story about why part five of How to Win Friends and Influence People has been suppressed from all records and libraries and almost every corner of the internet turned out much darker.
than even I expected. But the most shocking part for me was what Dale actually wrote in the fifth part, because it makes you rethink how you read the entire rest of the book. If somehow you haven't heard of How to Win Friends and Influence People, it's one of the best -selling books ever, translated into dozens of languages, and it's designed to show you how to get people to like you.
Some of its memorable lessons include to be a good conversationalist, speak way less than you listen, and make the other person feel important by saying the sweetest sound in the English language, which is their name. And this book is so famous that even those lessons from the book have gotten their own parodies. What's your name?
David. I like that name, David. How are you enjoying the networking event, David?
Hey, David, I want to hear about you, David. I feel like I'm talking so much. I'm like, what about David?
I want to hear more about David. So why don't you tell me about yourself? Why don't you tell me about yourself?
I asked first. I asked first. Tell me about yourself.
After you. I'm interested. As am I.
I don't know. I'm genuinely interested. Yeah, but I want to hear about your life.
Tell me. Tell me about yourself right fucking now. What about when you're in a conversation with someone and they use your name?
And you can tell that they read that How to Win Friends and Influence People. And, Link, when you're in that situation and somebody says your name, how does it make you feel? Rhett, tell me more about yourself and your hair care routine, Rhett.
Well, Link, one of the things I like to do is I like learning about other people. So tell me more about yourself, Link. But, Rhett, you're keeping me in suspense about your hair care routine.
I wake up like this. But your hair, there's no way that's natural. I'd love to hear more about that, Link.
We're at a still. And a lot of people say they've gained friends and even marriages because of this book. Charles Manson was a big fan of the book and used its techniques to convince people to murder for him.
So yeah, these techniques work. Warren Buffett took a seminar based on the book and it gave him so much confidence that he proposed to his girlfriend at the seminar who became his wife of 50 years until she died. But here's where something goes wrong.
The book was released in 1936, and Dale Carnegie died in 1955. But his wife, much like Eliza Hamilton, except instead of Eliza building her husband's legacy, Mrs. Carnegie seems to have tried to erase Dale's.
In 1981, his wife rewrote substantial sections of his masterpiece and cut out his advice on marriage entirely, which was officially because Carnegie's views on marriage had become outdated. But I think another motivation might be some of the shocking revelations contained within this banned chapter.
And his wife's retelling of history has been so successful that it's inordinately difficult to find Dale Carnegie's fifth section anywhere. It's only even mentioned in these obscure internet forums where people say, help me. I remember reading a fifth section of How to Win Friends and Influence People, but I can't find it anywhere.
Am I hallucinating? Just a few days ago, someone posted, I was shocked to discover that the book was heavily rewritten by his wife after his death. I had two copies.
And sure enough, the newer version omitted so much of the original, and the newer version was so much worse. So I scoured the internet until I finally found a copy of the 1936 original. And I found all the secrets that Mrs.
Carnegie... tried to erase from history. And I had two reactions.
The first is some of the gender norms are definitely outdated. In the 1930s, most women were homemakers. But second, the advice goes deeper than any other part of the book.
And if you allow some of his advice to cross gender lines, it's a treasure trove of wisdom. And I'm so angry for the tens of millions of people who don't get some of Dale's finest writing, who don't get this most important section of his book, just because his wife thinks we can't handle it. She thinks we can't handle the truth.
Which I think is very much against the spirit of his book. The whole book is saying, treat other people with dignity. Don't hide things from them.
Did you even read this book, Dorothy Carnegie? So now that Dorothy is no longer around to try and stop me, for the first time since 1981, I will be making public. the final chapter in how to win friends and influence people.
Immediately, Dale starts exposing some of your favorite historical figures. And you can see the controversy that made his wife want to erase this from history. It's honestly what I love so much about Dale is that he uses real people's stories.
Since all his lessons are from real life, you can use it in your real life. He says the great tragedy of Abraham Lincoln's life was not his assassination. but his marriage.
After all, when Booth fired, Lincoln never realized he had been shot. But he reaped almost daily, for 23 years, what his law partner described as . Conjugal infelicity, that's putting it mildly.
For almost a quarter century, Mrs. Lincoln nagged and harassed all the joy out of Abraham. Oh my god.
Mrs. Lincoln's getting exposed. She complained that his ears were too big and his feet were too large.
And she just did not respect him at all. Once, Mr. and Mrs.
Lincoln were having breakfast with friends when Lincoln said something that aroused his wife's fury. So in a rage, Mrs. Lincoln threw a cup of hot coffee into her husband's face in front of their friends.
Saying nothing, Lincoln sat there. humiliated until their friend got a wet towel and wiped off his face. As many of you probably know, Mary Todd Lincoln was eventually involuntarily committed to an insane asylum, and Dale Carnegie pulls no punches when he says, the most charitable thing one can say about her is that her disposition was probably always affected by incipient insanity.
Damn, Dale! Like, imagine being in that deliberation room. You're like, juror one, does she seem crazy to you?
Yeah, juror three, she seems insane. All right? It's official.
But here's why this story is so useful. Carnegie explains that even though Mary Todd Lincoln constantly nagged her husband to change, to be more appealing to her, it had the opposite effect. Not only did Lincoln never listen to her, but he avoided her at all costs.
Lincoln was the only lawyer of Springfield, Illinois' 11 traveling attorneys to refuse to come home to his family on weekends. He literally decided to stay in these, like, rural ash sheds just to be away from his wife. And this is a lesson I need to learn.
There are family members in my life that I think are doing something so foolish. And I nag them over and over again. But all I'm doing is making them resentful towards me because they're not going to change.
and I need to accept that. I've been on short films where I thought the director was making a really poor artistic choice, but it's his short film. If every time I deliver a line, I say, I think my character should really be doing it this way, I'll just disrupt the production and not get my way anyway.
But in my opinion, Dale's next chapter is even more useful. And this might have been the one that his wife really wanted to hide. Carnegie says a good marriage is fundamentally built on good people.
That mutual attraction and shared interests... are really not important a marriage is sine qua non is admiration is feeling that you are lucky to be with the other person i know this engaged couple and literally every time one of them says anything the other one goes uh that didn't happen can you knock it off and everyone's just like you're not even married and you're about to divorce according to carnegie and like people who knew her british prime minister benjamin disraeli's wife was old Ugly and dumb.
Jeez, tell us how you really feel. But she lived for her husband, and every time Carnegie came home, she couldn't wait to hear his stories from work. Carnegie said the hours Disraeli spent at home talking with his wife were the happiest of his life, despite him being arguably the most powerful person in the world.
And just the same, Marianne was the most important thing in Benjamin's life. As a result, Marianne would tell her friends, my life has been simply one long scene of happiness. They were devoted to each other and never criticized the other for not having the same education level or interests as themselves.
As Henry James put it, the first thing to learn in intercourse with others is non -interference with their own peculiar ways of being happy, as long as they do not interfere with our own. The TLDR here is if your spouse isn't doing something that's actively ruining your life, let it go.
Let them have their happiness. The next chapter deals with the contingency of marriage. Like, I used to think that everybody who got divorced was always going to get divorced, almost like it was written in the stars.
But this chapter helped change my mind. That no, what each spouse chooses to do or not do for the other will sink or buoy their marriage. A judge who reviewed 40 ,000 marital disputes said trivialities are at the bottom of most marital unhappiness.
Such a simple thing as a wife's waving goodbye to her husband when he goes to work in the morning would avert a great many divorces. When Elizabeth Barrett Browning was bedridden, her husband would always send her little flowers and chocolates throughout the day. Just small signs of his affection because he knew how much she cared about that.
She even wrote, he makes me feel like I really am some sort of angel. And Carnegie explains that marriage in the long run is just a series of these trivial incidents added together. Because think about it, your spouse is the person you'll see every day.
So doing one small thing for your spouse every day is not small at all. It's going to become what you spend a substantial portion of the rest of your life doing. And not only will your spouse feel so appreciated, but psychologically, when you do something for someone else, your brain tells you you like them more.
So you'll even feel happier to be married to them. As Edna St. Vincent Millay wrote, it's not love's going away that hurts my days, but that it went away.
in little ways in reno courts grant a divorce every 10 minutes how many of those marriages do you suppose were wrecked upon the reef of real tragedy mighty few i'll warrant if you could sit there day in and day out listening to the testimony of those unhappy husbands and wives you'd know malay was right that love goes in little ways then the penultimate chapter is something that i think about a lot which is never treat your spouse with less respect than a stranger.
We wouldn't dream of interrupting a stranger to say, good heavens, are you going to tell that old story again? We would never open our friend's mail without permission, or go through their phone when they're not looking. No, it's only the members of our own family, the people dearest to us, that we dare insult for their trivial faults.
Because we know they'll stick around. We know we can get away with insulting someone that we never could to a stranger. It is an amazing but true thing that practically the only people who ever say mean, insulting, and wounding things to us are those of our own households.
Who do you talk about in therapy? It's likely the people you're closest to. Your mom or your husband or your friend who betrayed you.
Our closest relationships are who hurt us the most. Every marriage needs courtesy. The quality of heart that overlooks a broken gate and calls attention to the flowers in the yard.
beyond the gate. Many men who wouldn't dream of rebuking a customer or even a business partner will go home and yell at their wives. And this is counterproductive for the men as well, because for their personal happiness, marriage is far more important to them than their business success.
The average man who is happily married is happier by far than the genius who lives in solitude. Turgenev, the great Russian novelist, was acclaimed all over the world, yet he said, I would give up all my genius and all my books, if there were only some woman somewhere who cared whether or not I came home late for dinner.
Although having a peaceful and happy home means more to a man than to make a million dollars, not one man in a hundred gives any real serious thought or makes any honest effort to make his marriage a success. He leaves the most important thing in his life to chance, and he wins out or loses according to whether fortune is with him.
And Carnegie advises us that if we praise our spouse, they'll become so much more likely to do what we want. If you say your wife is such a good money manager, she'll try to live up to that expectation and save every nickel. If there's a certain tuxedo you love that your husband wears, say how handsome he looks and he'll want to wear it more.
If there's something you really want your spouse to do, if you proactively compliment them and say, I love it so much when you make this kind of dinner. Or buy me this kind of flowers.
You'll save so much strife than if you buy flowers or cook a dinner to make up for a fight. And now we reach the final redacted chapter, which is probably the most scandalous. Because it asserts that the leading cause of marital unhappiness and divorce is an unhappy sex life.
An appalling number of husbands and wives are not really married, but simply Undivorced. What a good phrase.
Happy marriages are seldom the product of chance. They are architectural in that they are intelligently and deliberately planned. And then Carnegie says, here are some sex books that you can read so you can have better sex.
And this was in 1936. Apparently it was too scandalous for 1981. And the forbidden section ends with 10 questions every wife and husband needs to ask themselves to see.
if they're being a good spouse. Here are three of the husband's questions. Are you careful to never criticize your wife in front of others?
Do you give your wife money to spend entirely as she chooses, above the household expenses? And do you share at least half of your recreational hours with your wife? Now, here are three of the wife's questions.
Do you refrain from criticizing your husband's business decisions, such as his choice of secretary or the hours he works? Can you meet financial setbacks bravely without comparing your husband to more success? And can you compromise small differences of opinion in the interest of harmony?
I think, honestly, this forbidden chapter gives such great advice that can be used by both sexes. But probably the most important piece is do not marry Mary Todd Lincoln. And many of you probably don't know this, but I actually briefly worked for the YouTube channel Charisma on Command.
So I want to share the three important mindsets that I've learned that help you become a confident person. And as a consequence of that, win more friends and might I say, influence more people. The first is whenever you're in a social interaction, You should always play to win instead of playing not to lose.
When we're at a party with people we don't know, we can often try to avoid making a bad impression instead of actively trying to make a good one. But when we try to avoid making a bad impression, we usually avoid making any impression and your potential friends have no reason to hang out with you instead of every other person at that party.
The second mindset that you need to internalize is that no matter what happens in a social interaction, you'll be okay. Even if everybody hates you, even if everybody points and laughs and cancels you, even if no one ever wants to be your friend again, it does not reflect who you are as a person at a fundamental level. Maybe you have some bad habits, or maybe you met a really bad group of people, but your value does not increase or decrease whether the guests at your cousin's wedding think you're funny.
And the third mindset, and maybe the most urgent, is you need to act before you feel confident. If you wait to feel confident before you can act confident, You'll never be confident.
You think, if I was confident, I wouldn't feel so afraid. And when you think of a confident person, you probably imagine someone like Chris Evans. He looks like he's relaxed in any environment, whether he's presenting an award, arriving at a premiere, or being interviewed on a talk show.
And because he looks confident, we assume that he must feel confident. But Chris Evans has admitted that he's actually a very shy person. He dreads those press junkets and talk shows and finds the red carpet overwhelming.
Takes me a while before I need human - So how does he look so confident when he's feeling so nervous? Well, confident people have fears and doubts, but they do not wait for the nervousness to vanish.
They act despite their fear. Confidence comes from taking bold decisions. Because if you take risks, you're telling yourself one of two things.
Number one, that you think you're going to succeed, so you should be confident. Or number two, that even if you fail, you know you'll be okay, which is also very confident. Here's an example of that from Charisma on Command in the character of Don Draper from Mad Men.
The deepest layer of confidence is the belief that no matter what, you will be okay. When you've internalized this, confidence comes easy. But how do you develop this belief so that you feel it in any situation?
One of the fastest ways to build any belief is to live it. So you show yourself that you're going to be okay by doing exactly the things that you think you wouldn't be okay if you did.
Don's real name is Dick Whitman. He stole his lieutenant's identity when he was in the Korean War in order to escape his old life and get out of the war. And he's lived with that fake name and even somewhat of a fake persona ever since.
He displays the outer veneer of stoicism and confidence while behind closed doors, his family and even sometimes his career and emotions are crumbling. But in the final seasons of Mad Men, Don tells the truth at great personal cost.
First, he tells Hershey's, his client, the truth about his orphaned childhood, which loses him the account and gets himself fired. I was an orphan.
I grew up in Pennsylvania.
In a whorehouse. Do you want to advertise that? Later, he confesses his moral failings to Peggy while at a retreat in California.
I broke all my vows.
And finally, after he's been honest out loud, he has the courage to reveal the emotions that made him abandon his old life. And it's all set into motion when a man at the retreat confesses to feeling unseen and unlovable.
and you see them smiling, and they're happy to see you, but maybe they don't look right at you, and maybe they don't pick you. Then the door closes again. The light goes off.
Don is sitting there shell -shocked from his conversation with Peggy but as he listens, he goes from completely ignoring him to totally understanding where he's coming from. Despite the validation from business success and affairs with many beautiful women, Don still feels unlovable and when he finally recognized that same feeling of being unseen and unlovable, he can authentically connect with his man.
Ha ha ha! This is the deepest layer of confidence. It's not about always looking cool or always saying the right thing and it's not even about getting other people to respond to you in a favorable way.
It's living your life at least socially like you will be okay no matter what and that means that you can tell the truth even if it loses you a client. You can tell the truth even if it makes you feel weak because when you live the truth, believing that you're going to be okay no matter what, you won't stay feeling weak for long.
Instead, you'll stop feeling like you always need to say the right thing. and you'll stop worrying that someone else might reject you because you know that you will never reject yourself. And Don Draper also demonstrates this in being non -reactive.
If you think you'll be okay no matter what, you're not going to get jumpy or upset the moment someone insults you because you know the value you hold as a person is in no way threatened. When you can remain non -reactive, it shows that you're not pressured by what's happening around you and that makes you come across as more powerful.
For instance, watch how Don reacts when two men hit on his wife in Rome and how he calmly roleplays doesn't even know her. Contrast that with their insecure overreactions to him.
The sense of comfort and power that Don conveyed simply by not reacting is surely part of what drew Betty to him in the first place. As a general rule, we are more demanding of fast responses from ourselves than we are from others. People give themselves only 30 % as much time to respond as they would give someone else which is why so many of us find it hard to pause when doing a public speech even though we know it's a powerful tool.
So when you are in a stressful situation and it feels like you need to do something right now, pause. You're almost always better served from a presentation perspective and a decision -making perspective to take a deep breath and slow down.
Otherwise, you're going to look frantic and out of control. I think this is why a lot of people are scared to post on social media, because we care so much about what our friends from work will say or that people will think we're cringe. But if you internalize that you can have that happen and be okay, you'll be able to pursue your dreams.
It's always cringe until you make it.
People are probably going to think you're cringe. People are probably going to think you're a wannabe until it works, and then they can't tell you shit. A couple of months ago, I was at a dinner with some buddies, and at one point in the night, one of the waiters stopped by my seat and said, Hey, man, I don't want to bother you.
I just want you to know I'm a big fan. I really appreciate what you do. It was very complimentary, and we had some dialogue for a few minutes, and then I sat down.
And immediately, one of my friends said, That was crazy. He had never, my friends had never seen me get recognized.
That was like the first time it had really happened and solidified to them that it was real, that people did watch my stuff. And he said to me something I'll never really forget. He said, I'll be honest, when you started, a few of us were like, what the fuck is Smoke doing?
Is he trying to be some wannabe influencer? And I remember that and not getting mad, but I was surprised to hear that some people in my circle, people that I knew well were. talking amongst themselves negatively about me and what I was trying to build.
People are gonna talk shit. You are wrong to accept it and let it dictate your actions or decisions that you make in regards to pursuing a dream. At the end of the day, you will never be talked down upon by anybody.
doing better than you but there are things you can do to make people like you this girl goes even further and shows how to make people fall in love with you in 1977 dr arthur aaron conducted a study where he took a man and a woman two complete strangers and had them answer 36 questions back and forth to each other they got married six months later and i'm gonna provide you the questions but use them wisely I actually love these questions.
I remember I had a sleepover with this other Nickelodeon actress once and we asked these questions and she was almost my first kiss. Maybe that's too much information. If you want someone to like you more, there are some really specific psychological things that you can do that can actually make a world of difference.
The first thing you're going to do is you're going to take advantage of the reciprocal liking concept. So the next time you see them in person, you are going to act so genuinely excited to see them. You're probably thinking, but Kimberly, like, shouldn't I be playing it cool?
Like, Shouldn't I be waiting for them to come up and talk to me? Absolutely not.
You're going to treat them like you have a very special connection. And this is because our brains are psychologically primed to like people more when we know that they like us and see us as a good person. Yeah, what's one of the biggest reasons people love their dog?
Their dog is always excited to see them. Next thing you're going to do in your conversation, you are going to point out something that is similar about the two of you. The human brain unconsciously prefers people who we view as similar to us.
When people, especially men, see bare skin, they get aroused i hate to admit this but the sundress phenomenon is a real thing there is a reason why guys like these so much noted i'll start wearing a sundress small habits that can make people like you part three get them to talk about things they love hey bro how was your weekend pretty good i heard you started doing stand -up comedy over the weekend why yes yes i did interesting Tell me more about that.
Someone said, now I have to pretend to care about people's interests? Sigh. This is how to make people like you.
This party is so much fun. You're an amazing host. Thank you.
Always start with a compliment, then you can do or say something to show your personality. I want to show you guys something funny I learned. Would it actually be okay if I touch your face for a moment?
I'm intrigued. Sure. Okay.
Okay, I'm going to print this out. There's actually a print over there.
It's impossible to make everyone like you, but if you show your personality, the right people will.
That is so funny. Where'd you learn to do that? I actually saw it on Instagram.
What's something you guys are passionate about? I love acting and dancing. I actually studied dancing.
We shall go dancing sometime. I'm not much of a dancer myself, but I'd join.
That was the most uncomfortable video I've ever seen. And I've seen Dan Schneider after midnight. This commenter is so right.
This feels like the scenarios from a company compliance training video. Hey, what do you do if there isn't a giant printer in the middle of the living room? So here's some ac - Do you want to trick someone into making them like you just a little bit more?
Like this psychology trick is known to make anyone, even your mom, your boss, your boyfriend, your crush, anyone like you. Just a little bit more. Tell me your secrets!
Okay, the next time that you are with this person, I need you to ask them to do you a favor that is so small, a favor that they will say yes to. Something like, can you grab me a cup of water or can you pick up that pen off the floor for me? Something small.
And once they've done that favor for you, just simply thank them and say their name at the end of that. Something like, thank you, Jake. What this does is subconsciously, they will believe that because they did you a small favor, that they liked you because otherwise they wouldn't be doing that thing for you.
Ah, the old Ben Franklin rule. Let's talk about how to become more well -spoken and more publicly likable. So with strangers, you need a question with context.
For example, a question is, what drink did you order? But if you go up to a stranger publicly like that, that can be a little bit off -putting. So instead, add context.
Try saying, hi, I saw you from across the room and your drink looks great. What did you order? The stranger you have approached will feel instantly more comfortable.
In educational settings, refrain from filler words. So for example, if you're in class and you get asked a question, instead of going, well, like, um, try pausing for a second and thinking of something thoughtful to say. It is much more pleasant to hear a little bit of silence followed by something sophisticated instead of just random rambling.
And then finally, for interview or boss interaction scenarios. My top two recommendations are adding and and real curiosity. So if you're getting interviewed and your interviewer asks, how was this previous experience for you?
Say it was good and and then say something thoughtful. Someone commented. Thank you, Elle Woods.
Three magic phrases for likability. One, I was just thinking of you. OK, so here's how you use this authentically, right?
You think of a lot of people in your life all the time. If you are thinking of someone. And you can text them, text them, I was just thinking of you, how are you?
I was just thinking of you, how'd that project go? I was just thinking of you, it has been a while since we talked. More and better, you see a movie, you see a documentary, you see a matcha latte, you see a mug, you see a ceramic candle, and you're like, oh, this made me think of you.
So my text messages, my conversations are full of actual moments where I was triggered to think of that person. If you don't think of someone, they're not a person you need to have in your life. The second one is you're always so.
So if you're with someone and you're impressed by them or they're interesting or they're funny, saying. You always make me laugh. You're always so interesting.
You're always so great to interview. You're always so great at interviews. Giving them a label that is a positive label is the best gift you can give someone.
And the last one is, last time we talked, you mentioned, we are so honored when we get brain space that you remembered and you're going to bring it up and you specifically bring up something that they lit up with. Someone said, I naturally do all of these. I am a psychopath.
Instead of responding immediately after someone says something to you, wait a couple of seconds. This will make them feel like you're really thinking about what you're going to say to them and it makes you seem like a better listener. Okay, that one seems like a lot.
Hey Casey, you coming to the beach later?
You're probably bad at talking to strangers and you need to get better at it because it will make you more successful in every single aspect. of your life you will make more money you will be happier you will have more friends you will have a better day -to -day life and a lot of people think that this is something that you're either good at or you're not and i'm here to tell you you can get better at it and this is something that i'm very good at so let me help you the first tip is to break the expectation and what i mean by this is that don't do what someone expects in a certain situation people don't really like being surprised but when they're surprised it takes their guard down when someone's guard is down it's way easier to have a connection someone asks how are you and you know the expected answer is oh good good living the dream you see something that doesn't actually reveal anything at all you can say you know i'm actually having quite a good day easy as that it's not actually anything else different
other than the fact that it could let someone ask the next question if you have a co -worker that you like and you want to like move them from co -worker status to friend status invite them to go get drinks with you or you know if you're concerned that they're going to think it's a date then be like hey i'm inviting four people to go get drinks after work you should come this last situation is more for like close acquaintances that you are trying to move from the acquaintance to the friend phase and so this is like perfect for the friend of a friend situation and that's asking for their advice people really like when they feel valued or perceived as intelligent or have something to bring to the table that makes them feel good.
Yes, and mindset is so important here. That's why someone commented, I need to stop assuming that I'm annoying everybody I talk to. Yes, and if you can let go of that, you'll become much more confident, and in turn, you'll become less annoying, actually.
If you want the power to influence people, to get them on your side, to get them to do things that you want, you have to first think of this fact that they require. require validation. And if you make them feel insecure about their intellect, about their morals, about their willpower, you're going to create an enemy.
You're going to create the opposite of validation. So knowing the power in it, knowing the deep, deep, deep human need we all have for this to be treated as an individual and to be respected and appreciated for some quality that we have. Look at those things where they need to feel validated, where other people aren't giving it to them, where there's a quality that they feel this underappreciating.
Yeah, people love talking about themselves. Stop immediately smiling at people when you meet them. This one hack I just learned recently will change the game for you.
It will make anyone respect you more and like you more automatically. So here's the technique. So the average person, when they go and meet someone, they usually smile at them immediately when they greet them.
Obviously, this comes as natural instinct. However, it can make you appear a bit unserious. So this is what you're going to start doing instead.
So as soon as you first greet someone, don't immediately smile at them. Instead, what you need to do is look at the other person's face for a second. Let there be a one second pause and then smile slowly.
The book, How to Talk to anyone says. Apparently that one split second delay is enough to convince people that your smile is genuine and it's only for them.
Oh no, I smile all the time. But I don't even buy that advice. Don't like calculate whether you're smiling or not.
That's a little too far. Not gonna lie, like that advice is kind of crazy. Like you see someone and you go...
You either live in a fantasy in your head. I'm lonely. I have no friends.
It sucks. Why did I move here? Or you actually get out of this echo chamber.
And you start taking the actions that align with what you value and what you want. And so take me, for example. I know what I'm supposed to do.
I know that I'm not going to meet anybody sitting alone on a mountain in my house. I know I have to put myself out there. But I am basically an eight -year -old in a big body.
And I'm emotionally immature. And I want somebody else to fix this. And I'm lonely and I'm pissed.
I did that to myself for almost a year. And then I did a very simple thing. If I want a social life, I need to get my ass out of this house and I need to stop talking to myself and I need to do the little things that I know work.
And so this is an idea I want everybody to steal. You literally go into your favorite coffee shop. You introduce yourself to the cashier, to the barista.
You open up your notes app on your phone and you may like literally the dude with the beanie and the beard. His name is Kevin. You know, Jen has the long brown curly hair.
She makes great coffee. And here's why you want to do this. You want to do this because it's not on them to make you feel welcome.
It's on you. to create this network of relationships so you feel welcome. So then tomorrow when you go in, you know what I would do?
Like some loser, I would be sitting alone in my car. I hate living here. I'm gonna open up my notes app.
Okay, Kevin is the guy with the beard and Jen's the one. And then I would walk in and Kevin would be there. Oh, thank God.
And I reminded myself, hey, Kevin, how you doing? Oh no, it's a new bar. It's a new person at the cash register.
Hi, what's your name? Oh, hi, Lucy. It's nice to meet you.
Okay, Lucy's got the long blonde hair. One name at a time. met people.
I learned their names. I would rehearse them in the car as I looked in my notes app. And what was I doing?
I was building this foundation that researchers call warm relationships that do what? It makes me feel like I'm actually part of a community. That's all that it takes.
And then once you've warmed up to that and you're sort of opened arm, guess what happens? You turn and talk to the person next to you. Next thing you know, you're going, you.
are capable of so much more. But if you're sitting around like I used to and you're blaming other people or you're upset that somebody doesn't treat you the way or they're... I'm here to tell you, stop giving your power to the other person, figure out what you want, and then remind yourself, let me take the actions and let me think in a way and let me do what I need to do to create what I want because I'm capable of it.
Someone said, I reach out to my friends to plan things and we have a good time, but as soon as I stop reaching out... No one reaches out to me. Yeah, I remember freshman year in college, I was friends with so many people from so many different groups, and as a metric for that, I looked at how many text messages I'd get in a day.
And I messaged like a couple dozen people in a day. Fast forward a few years, and I only hang out with a small group of people that I really, really like. And I felt insecure, like I'm only texting like eight people in a day.
Am I unpopular? But once I got over that... It was so much better having those close relationships than 20 shallow ones.
Your ability to influence other people is actually determined by one characteristic. It's not how confident you are. It's not how attractive you are.
You know those people that are just so contagious to be around. It feels like everybody likes them. They can do no wrong.
You can actually like hack your way into being that person with just minor changes to the way that you talk to other people. So this characteristic that Princeton Research found accounts for 82 % of how other people perceive you is called charisma and what sets charisma apart from other personality traits is that you're not born with it it's actually something that you can practice and grow and develop over time and charisma is so important because it affects your ability to influence people so think negotiating your salary interviewing for a job going on a date like making new friends Your ability to influence people to adjust and have control over the way they perceive you and the decisions that they make surrounding you is a really fucking important skill to have in life.
And building charisma is actually quite simple because it really is just a combination of two things. It's made up of your warmth and your competence. And the problem that most people have is that they over index one direction or another.
Maybe they're really warm and bubbly and effusive, but they don't really command respect or, you know, they're very matter of fact, they're competent, but they kind of come off like a jackass. And what I find so cool about this, and I love psychology, you can't already tell, but you can. make very minor tweaks to your behavior, the way that you talk to somebody, the way that you express your body language in conversation.
And these minor tweaks can actually help you optimize to come across more charismatic. So you could signal warmth by like nodding your head or tilting to show that you're listening. Or you could signal competence by speaking more slowly and confidently and on down tones rather than an inflection.
Someone commented, read How to Win Friends and Influence People. Hey, joke's on them. They're only going to read the redacted version.
Turns out that the kindergarten method for making friends is on freaking patch. I just graduated high school, bro. Moved to a new city, bro.
And guess what? Going out to people and saying, do you have friends? Do you want to be friends?
It works, brah. You'd be surprised what people are willing to say and do when you just ask them. Like, just ask, you want to be my friend?
They'll probably say yes, bro. People need friends. People like friends.
What would you do if someone came up to you and said, hey? Do you want to be friends? Then you'd say yes.
I wouldn't say yes if you barked at me. Someone said, I've been doing this since kindergarten, and the only time it doesn't work is middle school. Hey, middle school can be crazy.
Not that I would know. People love their names. One tip, say their name three times in the first three minutes.
Three times seems a little excessive. Hey, Dave. Yeah, that's right, Dave.
What did you say, Dave? My name is Ryan. This all seems a little autistic, I know, but it works.
So it turns out the trick to making friends in your 20s is you do an activity, you meet people at said activity, and then you invite them to do things other than that activity. Took years off my life.
Someone said the toughest part is taking the friendship outside of your shared activity. Hi, nice to meet you. Hi.
Hi. Oh my gosh, I love your outfit. Thanks.
How are you? I'm good. What about you?
I'm so good because I finally returned 10 packages that were sitting in my closet last month. What about you? Girl, I have the same problem.
When you give more information about yourself, it creates space for other people to bounce off of you. If you want to create better conversations, you can compliment people, that will lift them up, and you can also share more about yourself. That will create space in the conversation for both of you to be more honest and real with each other.
Yeah, and conversations die when you don't give people enough to talk about. Think of everything you say as conversational Velcro. The more topics you bring up, the more likely it is the person can attach on something that they care about too.
People who are really magnetic and just overall enjoy - be around always seem to have these three characteristics in common. Number one, they're confident within themselves.
They're not looking at other people for validation, criticism. They're not even thinking about what other people think about them. They're just worried about being themselves.
Number two, they're always making everything fun. Situation literally doesn't matter. They're making the most of it and they're gonna have a good time because they're making it a good time.
And number three, they're really good at giving compliments, but not just superficial compliments. They give compliments in a way that makes you feel like, wow, they see me. They see me deeply.
Someone said, the kids call it Riz, which is of course short for charisma. Another one of my favorite persuasion techniques to get people to say yes to you is let people think things are their idea. Especially men, this works so well for some reason.
Instead of saying something like, we should go on a trip. You could say something like, I feel like we need some one -on -one time doing something really fun and like special together. but something that we don't normally do, like something out of our comfort zone.
And then he gets to go, what if we went on a trip? And then you go, oh my God, that's such a great idea. Boom, done.
It's not about playing dumb. And this doesn't just go for men. It's about allowing things to come from them and let them find a solution.
Like if you can present people with a one and a one instead of giving them a two, like instead of going. Here's exactly why we should move. And this is like sales 101.
Instead, you could say, what do you think our days would look like if we lived near the water? Let them answer for you. It's like the sell me this pen.
You wouldn't, you don't go into, well, here's all the reasons why this pen is so amazing. And let me tell you why this is the best pen in the whole world. You go, well, why do you need this pen?
Get over your ego because you will get what you want so much faster that way. Yeah. That's straight out of How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Redacted edition. If you let other people take the credit, they will do exactly what you want. Talk to strangers.
It will change your life. I think the number one way I have found so many different fulfilling communities, built up my self -confidence, and made so many long -lasting friendships is because I go to so many different events by myself and push myself to talk to as many people as possible. And I know you might be thinking, well, how do I even find these events?
I'm an introvert. I don't know how to talk to other people. You're wrong.
It is extremely easy to scroll on any event platform these days and find the hobby that you're interested in and just go to an event, put yourself out there. But putting yourself out there Someone said, I was the initiator of all my friendships.
I decided to stop contacting my friends to see what would happen. I literally did not hear. from any of them.
These were people I've been friends with for 10 to 15 years. It was really disappointing, but I realized they were never my friends. Only way to have friends is to initiate.
All the initiators say, well, I do it all the time and nobody does it back. Yep, that's how it goes. That's the world we live in.
It's really sad and I'm sorry, but at least you've got... Step one down and you're more likely to have friends. Number two, you awkwardly say that you need a friend.
I have done this multiple times. It is never easy. I never feel like at home and saying something like that.
I say to people, I need a friend and they laugh every time. What do you mean you need a friend? And I'm like, I mean that a lot of people are in my life.
But very few people know what's going on. Number three, make it regular. Once a week, get coffee.
So that half of the work is getting to the coffee day. Half of the work is getting it in your calendar. So just set it with the people you trust.
Yeah, and that's also why I keep my circles small. Because you want to know that the relationships you have are real. That both people really cares about the other.
And it wouldn't go away if someone stopped putting in effort for a few weeks. Start exaggerating things and watch how much people do for you. I'm serious.
Say something like, I'm about to make your day the worst it's probably ever been. And then ask them to fill up your water bottle. They'll do it.
They'll laugh at you, but they'll do it. Or go simpler. Say something like, would it be ridiculous if I asked you to do this thing?
And they're like, of course it's not ridiculous. And they go to the thing for you. Just try it.
One of my favorites is, are you going to yell at me if I ask you this? No, I'm not going to yell at you. And then they're doing the thing for you.
And they'll love you for it. It's funny. Someone said this is straight -up manipulation.
Here's how to become friends with anyone I literally can choose someone like I swear I'm like a guy I will choose a girl and be like She will be my friend and I will become friends with anyone. I will sneak my way into any friend group I want Okay, here's how I do it. So first you have to be cool and cool as in Confident in yourself.
You have to be yourself and you have to be chill You're not desperate trying to be their friend like police the honor is in your hands that I'm trying to be your friend next you have to be patient just like a relationship if a guy's trying to get after a girl you gotta like Slowly make your way in so you gotta be patient.
For example, I'm gonna be friends with this girl And I have my plan ready and part of the plan is I know it's gonna take a few months in the beginning you have to like slowly like flick on their shell because right they have like this guarded shell especially if you're trying to get into a friend group where everyone already knows each other you can't just be like hey guys want to hang out it's like no it's circumstantial but i'll give you an example so there's this girl i wanted to be friends with and she was famous and also had her guard up i think people who have a following like a real following not just an influencer like they have actually experienced fame like they have their guard up and i did not want to be her friend because she was famous I wanted to be her friend because she was cool as hell.
And so am I. Not actually like cool is the last word to describe me, but I will act cool to become friends with whoever I want to be friends with. So with her, we were like texting and then I FaceTimed her once.
And then I kind of like kicked my feet up and waited for her to text me first. Like you have to play the game. If you don't act desperate to be friends with people, you can literally become friends with anyone you want.
You also have to hold yourself with confidence and with worth. Like I know anyone would be blessed. Beyond belief to be my friend and they can feel that energy So if you want to be friends with someone you need to give off I don't need you but like I really want to be your friend but like Don't need you someone said is it sad I had to look up how to make friends So when you're in a room read the room find out like the most uncalled -for thing you could say like Juxtaposed to the environment you're in with still being appropriate.
It's kind of hard But so let's say you're in a group with like five people right and the mutual friend just dips, right? you could then go when the mutual friend leaves me saying this isn't funny but like if you were to genuinely say this in that setting it would be funny people would go like this chick's kind of she's kind of cool i have facial expressions that differ from like the immediate reaction you would get for example let's say someone super weird does something super weird instead of like looking at people like what the hell like Do a different face.
A face that when people look at you, they're going to want to laugh even harder because they're like, what the hell is this chick even on? Does that make sense? Calling someone by their full name, that sounds funny, unless it's an adult that's like, what are you doing?
But sometimes when I see a mutual friend, I'm like, oh, if it isn't Ava Chavez. Just in a general rule of thumb, doing something unexpected that's still appropriate, but really riding the line of not being appropriate, it's going to get you far. Now, this isn't buying friends.
And it's going to save you money long term. But when, like, who's going to get the Uber? who's gonna order this this on this you're gonna be like it's on me baby and you're gonna like make it seem like you're fucking around and then you're just gonna you're gonna buy it at that point people are gonna be like oh this chick's really nice and like funny and then you're probably not gonna have to buy as many things down the line because they're gonna be like oh like i need to i owe her back you know what i mean someone said Why is the music making this seem like an evil plan?
Something I've noticed about people who make friends easily is that they operate under a totally different set of social rules. Let me explain. I had a friend, Courtney, who had this way of talking to people that would literally make them ask, do I know you?
Have we met before? It's like the concept of a stranger didn't exist to her. This is the key.
It's what I call the familiarity effect. Engaging with people as if they were already your friend or someone familiar or at least someone friendly. And the easiest way to do this is to invite people into your inner world.
The other day I was buying cottage cheese. at the dollar store and the cashier was like you know what the best combo is cottage cheese with takis and i'm like how high were you when you discovered that combo notice how she didn't bother with the pleasantries of hi how are you she went right into the conversation as if i was already her best someone commented this is why i always be making friends when i'm drunk i don't give a about all the social norms and have a pure belief that everyone is my friend i make these videos about the loneliness epidemic and this is one of my solution videos so i hope you guys use this do you wish you had more friends or have you Tried making friends recently.
How did it go? I'll respond to as many comments as I can. And thank you to our newest patrons, now three of my newest friends, TheWizard150, TheGreat, Ella, and Jim.
The Hook
The bait, then the rug-pull.
Casey Simpson claims the second most famous nonfiction book in history originally shipped with a fifth section on marriage, quietly cut from print after Dale Carnegie's wife revised it in 1981, and he spends the video's first fifteen minutes reading it back to you before pivoting into a grab-bag tour of modern charisma research.
Named ideas worth stealing.
15:27list
The Three Mindsets for Confidence
- Play to win, not to avoid losing
- No matter what happens, you'll be okay
- Act before you feel confident
Charisma on Command's model, relayed by Casey from his time working there, for building genuine confidence in social situations rather than faking it.
Steal forany on-camera or public-facing work where nerves show
36:48model
Warmth + Competence
- Warmth
- Competence
The two-factor model researchers use to explain charisma; most people over-index on one and under-signal the other.
Steal forcalibrating tone on sales calls or in on-camera delivery
28:13list
Three Magic Phrases for Likability
- I was just thinking of you
- You're always so...
- Last time we talked, you mentioned...
Three short phrases that signal you think about someone even when they're not around, without sounding rehearsed.
Steal foremail or DM follow-ups with an audience or clients
14:27list
Carnegie's Marriage Self-Audit
- Do you still court your spouse with small gestures?
- Are you careful never to criticize them in front of others?
- Do you share control of money and recreation time?
- Do you take real interest in their intellectual life?
Ten questions from the original 1936 chapter, five aimed at husbands and five at wives, meant as a self-check rather than a scorecard for the other person.
Steal fora periodic check-in in any long-term relationship, not just marriage
How they asked for the click.
VERBAL ASK
20:38subscribe
“Enjoying this video? Subscribe to get more like it!”
A static overlay dropped mid-video over a borrowed Charisma on Command clip, not spoken aloud, easy to scroll past since it doesn't interrupt the narration.
MENTIONED ON CAMERA
FROM THE DESCRIPTION
PRIMARY CTAWhere the creator wants you to go next.
OTHER LINKSAlso linked in the description.
Visual structure at a glance.
