You Don't Need a Lifetime of Therapy, Watch This Instead
A live 84-minute coaching session where a decades-old betrayal gets dismantled question by question and ends in gratitude.
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3 months ago
Duration
Format
Interview
educational
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Big Idea
The argument in one line.
Resentment persists because we refuse to acknowledge two things: that we have done what we judge, and that every painful event has also delivered measurable benefits we have chosen not to count.
Who This Is For
Read if. Skip if.
READ IF YOU ARE…
You have carried resentment toward a specific person for years and conventional therapy has not moved it.
You want to watch a structured coaching method demonstrated live on a real participant, not described in theory.
You are a coach or facilitator interested in question-based frameworks for emotional transformation.
You believe negative thinking is a problem to be eliminated and want a rigorous challenge to that belief.
You have experienced a betrayal you intellectually know was a turning point but cannot emotionally reconcile.
SKIP IF…
You are looking for business or creative strategy — this is entirely personal transformation content.
You want a quick takeaway; the method requires sustained, honest self-reflection to produce results.
Watching a stranger process raw personal material in a group setting is not useful to you.
TL;DR
The full version, fast.
Demartini's method rests on two claims: whatever behavior you resent in someone else, you have done in some form yourself; and every painful event has delivered real, countable benefits you have refused to see. The session walks an anonymous guest through five instances where she did what she blamed her betrayer for, then catalogs the financial settlement, career independence, better parenting, and spiritual growth she gained from the very event she resented. Demartini closes with the argument that positive thinking is biologically self-defeating and that holding both poles simultaneously is the only authentic human state.
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Demartini states the central thesis; Chris Do recounts how he discovered the method through Tim Francis and Rohan.
03:40 – 08:00
02 · The method explained
Demartini describes 52 years of development, the information-theory basis from Claude Shannon, and the goal of finding hidden order in apparent chaos.
08:00 – 14:00
03 · Live coaching begins
Anonymous volunteer presents her fear of shining too bright; the backstory of a friend who exposed her affair surfaces.
14:00 – 26:15
04 · Reflective awareness
Demartini walks the guest through five instances where she did the same behavior she blamed on her betrayer.
26:15 – 44:40
05 · Counting the benefits
Systematic enumeration of how the betrayal benefited the guest: career independence, financial settlement, better parenting, stronger social circle, physical health, spiritual wholeness.
44:40 – 1:06:30
06 · Healing the relationship with self
The guest examines her own role in the marriage's disintegration — subordinating her career, living in her husband's shadow, and needing his approval to feel valued.
1:06:30 – 1:24:07
07 · Why negativity is your friend
Demartini's philosophical close: positive thinking is biologically self-defeating, hedonic adaptation proves it, and the unity of opposites is the only sustainable state.
Atomic Insights
Lines worth screenshotting.
You can never have fear of the unknown — you can only have fear of the content your mind is imagining.
Narratives do not get you anywhere; the only thing that moves you forward is identifying the specific act you judged, not the story around it.
Whatever you judge in others you have done yourself — and the method does not let you off the hook until you find it.
Every event you label as a betrayal has also delivered benefits across career, finance, family, and self — and those benefits are real whether you counted them or not.
Infatuation with a loyal person attracts a betrayer to break your dependency on that loyalty.
You only fear the loss of things you place above you; you do not fear losing what you feel below you.
Two years of concentrated positive-thinking practice produced a net change of zero — hedonic adaptation returns everyone to their set point.
Negativity is not the enemy; it is the mechanism by which nature breaks addictions to fantasies that cannot be sustained.
The goal is not to feel positive. The goal is simultaneous contrast — holding both sides at once, which produces stability, not elation.
Resentment is incomplete information. Any remaining charge on an event is evidence that the full account has not been taken.
The quality of your life is based on the quality of the questions you ask, because questions make you conscious of what you have been unconscious of.
You do not grow in pure support; challenge is the catalyst for independence. The person who withdraws from you often forces you to stand alone for the first time.
Positive thinking was invented by Norman Vincent Peale to balance his own negativity — he admitted this on stage.
When you subordinate yourself to another person's values, you will eventually attract the event that catalyzes your exit, whether you chose it or not.
Takeaway
How to dismantle a resentment that will not move.
WHAT TO LEARN
The Demartini Method offers a reproducible process for neutralizing charge on a painful event — not through forgiveness as a moral act, but by establishing two facts: you have done the same thing, and the event delivered real benefits you have not counted.
Resentment persists when you hold an incomplete account of an event — once you count every genuine benefit it produced, the charge dissolves on its own.
Before you can release judgment of another person, you have to find multiple instances where you did the same specific behavior you are condemning — vague similarity does not count.
Infatuation and resentment are sequential contrast; the goal is to hold both the positive and negative simultaneously, which produces stability rather than oscillation.
Every person who withdraws support from you is simultaneously catalyzing a new source of support elsewhere — support and challenge are conserved, they just change who delivers them.
Two years of concentrated positive-thinking practice produces a net result of zero because hedonic adaptation returns everyone to a stable set point; the goal is integration, not elevation.
Negativity is not a problem to eliminate — it is the mechanism by which you break addictions to fantasies that cannot be sustained long-term.
The quality of your questions determines the quality of your self-knowledge; vague questions produce vague narrative, and narrative is what keeps you stuck.
Fear is never about the unknown — it is always about the specific content your mind is imagining, which means it can be interrogated and dissolved.
When you subordinate your values to another person's, you eventually attract the event that forces your exit, whether you consciously choose it or not.
Guilt disappears when you see the benefits your choices produced for the people you believe you harmed — guilt assumes one-sided causation that does not hold under rigorous questioning.
Any event you would have changed likely would have prevented the growth that followed; resistance to what happened is almost always resistance to the next version of yourself.
Naming the fear as imagination rather than reality is the first move of the method — you can only work with specific content, not with the unknown.
Glossary
Terms worth knowing.
The Demartini Method
A structured series of questions developed over 52 years that neutralizes emotional charge by surfacing hidden benefits and the perceiver's own matching behaviors.
Reflective awareness
The process of identifying in yourself the same specific behavior you resent in another person — not approximate behaviors, but the same act.
Unity of opposites
The principle, traced to Heraclitus, that support and challenge are always present simultaneously and merely change which person delivers them.
Simultaneous contrast
The psychological state of perceiving both the positive and negative aspects of a person or event at the same time, associated by Wilhelm Wundt with stability and authenticity.
Sequential contrast
Perceiving the positive and negative aspects of a person in sequence (infatuation then resentment) — associated with emotional instability and the impostor syndrome.
Hedonic adaptation
The psychological set point that oscillates positives and negatives back toward a stable baseline regardless of external events or deliberate positive-thinking practice.
Values hierarchy
The model that every person makes all decisions based on an ordered hierarchy of personal values, and that placing someone above or below you distorts perception of them.
Entropic gravity
Demartini's term for the psychological weight created when unresolved emotional charge accumulates in the amygdala and hippocampus, slowing and aging the perceiver.
Amygdala and hippocampus
The subcortical brain structures central to the method: the amygdala assigns emotional valency; the hippocampus stores episodic memories with time and place.
Resources
Things they pointed at.
43:00bookThe Power of Positive Thinking
1:24:00bookLetters to a Young Poet
1:17:00bookThe Principles of Quantum Mechanics by Paul Dirac
1:06:30 – 1:24:07densePhilosophy of negativity, positive thinking, unity of opposites
The Script
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The quality of your life is based on the quality of the questions you ask. The questions you ask make you conscious of what you've been unconscious of. So it helps you expand awareness.
You we run our illusions till we're ready for the truth. Truth kinda sets us free from the stories.
Today, I'm sitting down with doctor John D Martini.
He's a world renowned author, coach, speaker, and somebody you're gonna want to listen to. We use the stories because of all the moral hypocrisies we get indoctrinated about how people are supposed to be instead of seeing how magnificent they are in the journey. What you're about to watch is a live in person coaching session and it gets really uncomfortable, but we have major breakthroughs.
Just know that any of the stories that you've had in your life, I I I went through this, I had this, and I challenged childhood and all that stuff, it's all bullshit. It's your perceptions, decisions, and actions on how to interpret it. You can be a victim of history or a master of destiny.
It all depends on your perception.
Out of respect for the individuals who participated in the conversation because it got really raw and real, we've elected to blur out their faces to protect their identity.
This story begins, um, a little over a year ago, probably two years ago. I'm having dinner with a couple of friends, new friends, Tim Francis and a guy named Rohan.
And they're both telling me about this remarkable person, separate stories, and I don't know the names of anybody just yet, except for I know what Tim said to me, which is if you could attend one workshop in your life, just one, this is the one that you have to meet, this man. He has an incredible way of helping people through some very tough, challenging, traumatic things in their lives.
And I was really intrigued. And then the other story was the gentleman across the table from me, and name is Rohan. He was telling me about how he had, in the last couple of years, gone through some really traumatic stuff.
His father died. His business partner stole money from him and stole the business, and then Meta Facebook canceled his accounts, which he had close to a million followers. He was devastated.
And he was having a hard time, and he called his coach. And he was telling this whole story. I'm like, this is remarkable.
This is incredible. Tim Francis just texted me. He says, do you know Rohan?
When he was telling me that story, do you know who his coach was? I'm like, I don't know. I have no idea who his coach could be.
He said, doctor John Demartini. Small world. So he's helped a lot of people through lots of things.
He has something called the Demartini Method, obviously, and it helps people through some of their toughest roadblocks. And I'm hoping rather than just me extending the interview is that first, can just describe it so everybody here knows what's going on.
And if there is somebody who has something they'd like help with for for doctor DeMartini to demonstrate, we can work on it together and see, hopefully, just the genius behind all of this. And I just wanna be a student here and listen and learn.
The quality of your life is based on the quality of the questions you ask. The questions you ask make you conscious of what you've been unconscious of, so it helps you expand awareness.
And the method, which I've been working on for fifty two years, is a series of very concise questions that help you discover the hidden order in the apparent chaos, the disorder.
Claude Shannon in information theory basically said that information that's missing is in tropic and represents disorder.
And if you reclaim the information, you can find the hidden order in things and why things are occurring, the meaning behind it. So it's a very series of concise questions to help navigate people from emotional distractions to poison presence so they can be grateful for their life instead of comparing it to an unrealistic expectation that they projected.
And I've been blessed to use that and develop that for many years, and we've helped people in all different types of situations.
I make a statement that there's nothing your mortal body can experience that your mortal soul can't love. So it doesn't matter what you've been through, what you've gone through, what you've experienced, it's your perceptions, decisions, and actions on how to interpret it.
You can be a victim of history or a master of destiny. It all depends on your perception. William James said the greatest discovery of his generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their perceptions and attitudes of mind.
So this is a science, a reproducible science that I've trained probably probably eight or 9,000 people in using, and they're using it around the world to assist people in navigating through the apparent chaos so they can look at life on the way, not in the way.
Okay. You guys get that? Every word is a lot to unpack here, and that's how I felt last time when we were having our conversation.
Just be quiet and listen and
stay silent for as long as you can. Said listening to you is like drinking from a fire hydrant.
So how do we do this in the time that we have together? Because I know you have a heart out to be mindful of that. Is how do we do this so that we can get a taste of how this process works?
Because I think I'm 100% bought in on this idea. The quality of questions you ask determines quality for life.
When you start to ask questions, you start to look inward and understand, like, why you can overcome these things, and the perception of what has happened to you can drastically alter your destiny or where you end up. How do we do this?
Because I just wanna give you your space. You do your thing, and I just wanna sit here and only chime in when necessary. That's great.
Well, usually, we start with somebody that's got something they wanna work on. Okay.
Sometimes I'm in a conference, and I'll ask people, does anybody have anything that they wanna work on? Challenges, conflicts, resentments, angers, grief, or anything, whatever it is that they have, and whatever area of life that they want.
And then we usually people vote based on who has the most intriguing information or issue that they wanna work on, and we go there. We start there. And I I think there is something about
the risk of being vulnerable if you want to get a reward. I remember many years ago when I was talking to my business coach about seeing a therapist, he said, if you're not going to tell the truth, don't even bother. Don't even bother.
And so I went in there with the mindset, like, I hold back, I'm holding back for myself. So we can start with any kind of challenge, roadblock, anything traumatic, frustration, something that you've been trying to work through but haven't been able to.
And we'll pass you the mic. I think the mic mic is working this time. Does anybody wanna start?
And and, by the way, depending on what that is,
sometimes I'm not using the Demartini Method to help solve it. So it depends on what it is. If it's if it's a conflict, if a resentment or an infatuation or a loss or something like that, I may use the method.
Other times, I may use my work with the value applications. So if people are frustrated in their job, that may be a slightly different approach. Maybe combination.
Okay. Perfect. I'm glad you said that in case it goes whatever direction it goes.
Depends on what you're bringing. So what we're doing is in case that you're just joining us, we want you to volunteer anything that you need help with, and then we'll we'll just quickly vote on, like, who we'd like to who has the most intriguing problem for doctor DiMartini to put his brain on.
Whenever there are multiple stories, narratives, I try to prioritize it.
So narrow it down. We'll do like, I'm not gonna do them all. We're gonna narrow down what is the highest priority issue out of all of those things that you narrowed.
What is the highest priority issue that you wanna address?
The the the fear of being someone's gonna come at me if I if if I shine too bright.
Okay. When you say coming at me, what does that mean to you?
What does that conjure up? By the way, you can never have fear of the unknown. You can only have fear of the content your mind is imagining.
Mhmm. So what is your mind imagining when you have that confronting you?
That someone is going to defame me, is going to, um, undermine me, go out of their way to destroy what I've built.
It's it's already happened.
Okay. And out of all the ones that have happened that this is reminding you of, because the future is anticipated, but the things that are real that you've experienced, which one of those is the highest priority thing that you remember that was most painful?
Um, I had a friend who was well, there's many, but the most the one that was really devastating is a friend of mine was jealous of my success, so she undermined my marriage and then What specifically did she do? Because undermining marriage is What
did she do that you projected she undermined my marriage?
She betrayed a confidence, and I wasn't ready to tell my husband something.
And she So something you shared with her Yes. She shared with your husband Yes. Which you felt started to undermine the dynamic?
Yes. Okay. Even though you were obviously sharing with her, there were some things in the dynamic that were concerning anyway?
Yes. So she was revealing something you unconsciously desired?
I was You wouldn't have said it to her. Okay.
I'm gonna I'm gonna be so transparent. I had an affair, and I felt really bad about it.
And I I was I was talking to her about how I should go about, you know, telling my husband and because she was jealous of the relationship and she had tried to She wanted him.
She no. She tried to seduce the person I had the affair with and because she was rejected, she
Went to bring you down? Yes. Right.
And she did it pub very publicly. Her name is? Deborah.
Deborah. Mhmm. Okay.
So now I'm gonna start.
Here goes the method. Thanks for doing this, by the way.
Let's take Deborah as the individual we're going to do the work on because I can just do so much in such a short time. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. What specific trait, action, or inaction do you perceive Deborah did that you disliked and despised and resented most?
Let's narrow it down so it's not a narrative. It's a specific act that she did that you judged.
She literally said to me, it's not fair that you have the life that you have, and I don't have what you have.
So that didn't you made a claim that it undermined your marriage, so that by itself would not undermine your marriage.
No. So what did are you upset because of that, or are you upset because of what she said to your husband? She told him that I was which one is the one you're rescinding?
Probably that one that she told him. Okay. So let's get to that.
Okay. Because otherwise, you're just doing narrative. People love to share their narratives, but narratives don't get you anywhere.
Mhmm. Really. Even though therapists like you to think so, they're slow.
I'm not interested. I'm interested in narrowing down what the issue is. Yeah.
So what specific did you actually perceive her, or was it hearsay that she told your husband?
He told me she told him. So it's hearsay.
Somebody told you that she told him. Yeah. But you didn't actually perceive it.
When you say perceive it, what do you mean? Didn't actually see her do this. No.
No. No. No.
No. No. So we don't even know for a fact other than what your husband said that that's what happened.
Okay. So your husband claimed that she said the story, which is evidence, but you never saw her do it.
I never saw her specifically or heard her do it. No. So you did not have anger at her until you found out that she he made a statement?
Yes. And other people. But yes.
Mhmm. So other people told you that she had said that? Other people told me that she had bragged to them that this is what she was going to do, and then yeah.
Okay. So are you upset with the idea that she bragged about what she was gonna do? The idea that your husband stated that she said it?
I think it was the that she would she was bragging about publicly taking me down.
Okay. So your the the highest priority thing that you judged in her was that she bragged about taking you down, and we have hearsay that she confronted and told your husband.
Correct. Okay. Let's work with that one for a second.
Because it sometimes we have a convoluted series of things and we have to kinda narrow down what the issue is. I love your questions.
And sometimes it's it's, uh, hearsay. Mhmm. And I don't like working with hearsay.
I like working with something factual that you perceive so we have something tangible.
Now the roughest part. There's a quote in Romans two one from the New Testament that whatever we judge in others, we're doing the same thing.
Interesting. So let's define what she did again. She bragged about taking you down and then told your husband.
Mhmm. Told somebody that that something you didn't want her to tell. So now let's go to a moment in your life where you bragged about taking somebody down and told somebody exactly what you're seeing in her, find out where it is.
Now I've done this on about a 150,000 people.
And every time people say, I can't think of any. Don't know. I don't know.
None of that works with me. We're gonna be accountable here in order we get a result. So let's not think of where we I don't know.
I can't remember. I think out where we've done it. Because we only judge people on the outside Mhmm.
That we resent for representations of parts of ourselves that we're ashamed of in ourselves. That we don't wanna look at. Yeah.
So let's go. Go to a moment where and when you perceive yourself displaying or demonstrating the same behavior where you bragged about taking somebody down and negating them and because of jealousy, and you actually told somebody to try to undermine them?
The the earliest one I can think of and the only one I can think of is is my mother.
Okay. And it's the same behavior? It's gotta be the same action.
I did it. I took her down publicly.
Okay. Because the only reason somebody is drawn into your life Mhmm. Is because we have a shame inside.
We dissociate from it. We get proud, try to judge other people for what we're actually hiding inside, and we don't wanna face that.
We've done that, and we're still carrying a hurt and a shame about doing that to the mom. Yeah. So and you said what about your mom publicly that undermined and got back to her?
I don't remember what I said specifically.
It was just there was a group of people in every shame without their memory of it. I was just making fun of her.
About?
Um, I don't remember what I said.
What did she do that you wanted to make shame of her or not do?
That she made she made a mistake.
Of?
Probably a lie she told.
Okay. So she made a lie in your mind, and you didn't like the repercussions of that, and you were trying to bring her down and humbled her.
Yeah. K. Because go to the moment when you did that.
Mhmm. You there? Mhmm.
When you actually said the thing? Mhmm.
Okay. Where were you at that moment? I was in Chicago in our apartment, and there was a group of people and a man told me to stop.
Okay. And when when was this?
I was probably about 20 years old, 1920.
Okay. The reason I'm asking those is, uh, the amygdala, which is a subcortical nuclei in the brain, assigned valency to stimuli and experiences that we have, and it assigns valency to the hippocampus, which is a little seahorse shaped structure, and it is the source or storage place of episodic memories that have a time, a place, a direction, a lay a location, and a distance.
So if I narrow it down, I go into the hippocampus, and I access that memory. And and that's where we're storing shame or we're storing our own stuff. So you're there at that moment?
Mhmm. And who specifically did you tell? There were about four people there.
So you then and I was entertaining them with this story. Okay. And did your mom know any of these people?
Yes.
So then you you said things behind her back No. In front of her. In front of her, okay, that she felt humbled by.
And you kinda did that because she had lied, and so you did it as kind of a Payback. Payback. Okay.
So in that moment, can you see you did the same thing as this lady did? Yes. Great.
Now and they all perceived you did this and your mom? Yeah.
K. Great. Go to the next moment where and when you've done the same behavior again.
Oh,
this is icky. Um, I was working.
I was I don't wanna say where, uh, but I was working in a corporate situation, and somebody had sexually harassed me and there was this opportunity for me to
Disclose?
No. No, No.
I did disclose it to my boss. I went through the proper channels.
And then when this guy got promoted, he demoted me. So, um, there was new management that came in.
And I don't need the story. I just need the I'm trying just trying to People like to want them to run their stories as a dodging mechanism. I just want the answer I ask.
Go to the moment where and when you did it again, and where did you do exactly that? Try to bring somebody down and say something to somebody to try to undermine them, somebody that could get back and affect their life?
I guess it was a situation where he was being berated by our boss, and I I took glee in that.
So that's not the act that's the question I'm asking. Okay. Where did you do what this lady had done to you?
Said things behind to somebody and tried to bring you down.
Where did you do that? You tried to bring him down?
No. I was just somebody else did, but I was I I talked about how he had it coming. So I don't know if that's the same thing.
Who did you say that to? My team.
So you spoke to the team and kinda let them know some of these things as a way of kinda diminishing him Mhmm. And these are people that knew him Yes.
Or knew of him? Yes. So in that case, did you do the same thing that lady did in that moment?
It's not exactly the same. Well, yes, I did. I took glee in some
bring somebody down and to go behind and say things about them. Yes. Yes.
Mhmm. So is that the same? I think so.
Maybe not the same magnitude, but the same. Yeah. It's not yeah.
Great. That's number two. Go to number three.
When you're when you're owning reflections, this is called reflective awareness and transparency. We usually go all the way for till 20 examples are done until there's an absolute certainty that what you perceive in them, you have.
Because as long as you're too proud to admit what you see in them, you're gonna self righteously project your values onto them and condemn them and hide your own shame and cover it up with pride. And the amygdala likes to hold on to pride and hold on to fantasies about how people are supposed to live in our values.
So that's why I'm gonna go go again. Because whatever you perceive this person doing, you've done to the same degree. And I've been doing that for about forty one years and never had anybody that couldn't find it if they just kept looking.
So let's go to number three. Okay. And now they're coming.
That's right. They're there. That's why we keep attracting whatever we condemn.
Okay.
Yeah. The next situation, I was I was a board chairperson, and this person had been disrespectful.
And so
I interested in where you did it. I know. Read the narrative and story.
Okay. Sorry. I just need to know where you did it.
I made sure that that everyone
on the committee knew
what this person had done prior. And you wanted to do that to kinda bring them down from their pride and arrogance and put up Yeah. And you told people that you know could affect them.
Yes.
So you did that's the third example of where you've done that? Yeah. Let's go to four.
Well, these are all different time. I'm zig zagging. One at a time.
No. But I'm just saying it doesn't matter if they're chronological. Right?
Doesn't matter where it is. But just one at a time. Just think of one because you think of 15 of them, you can't you won't process one.
Just one. Probably
when my Not probably. Oh, okay. When my stepfather was arrested.
Okay. You don't want the story. Okay.
So he was a doctor.
I don't need the story. I just need to know what where you did something and said something to bring somebody down and went behind their back or told people
that could affect them? I don't think this one counts because it was so public.
It was public? Yeah. It was on the news and everything.
So Yeah. But where did you tell somebody that led to bring it to try to bring somebody down and people found out about it?
If it went public, then that's even a bigger issue.
No. This doesn't apply. Sorry.
You understand the line of questioning from doctor DeMartini. Right? Yes.
He's asking you for actions that you took where you Well, you did the same thing this lady did to you. I guess I just
told people what he did and how how it And did some of that get back to people that could affect him? I don't know. I I honestly don't know.
Did he get to the police that could affect him? What? Did he get to the police that affected him?
No. They he had already been arrested. Okay.
So did you do were you attempting to bring him and lower him and expose him? Um, I think to some because he got away with something?
No. He didn't get away with it. No.
But you thought he had gone away got away with something. He was trying to get away with it. And were you trying to bring that down?
I
think that to undermine any
attempt for him to redeem himself and because he was making excuses, yes. Okay. Were you doing the same thing the lady was you thought the lady was doing to you?
Yes. K. We got four.
One more. Oh. Just because of time.
You got it. Okay.
You're lucky we're not going to 20. Oh my god.
Probably my last yeah. Probably. Okay.
Go to a moment where you did the same behavior she did again. Another moment in your life where you've done that, where you've attempted to, you were partly jealous, you want to bring the person down, you felt that it was unfair, so you want to bring them down and you exposed and said things about them behind that affected them.
Um, it was a former partner, and I said some things to some people who would have been able to affect whether he got rehired in in the sitch situation.
Okay. And in that moment, you can see who you shared it with.
You can remember where it was and when it was. You there? Mhmm.
So in those five examples, would you acknowledge that those five examples are different variations but of the same thing? Yep.
K. Fantastic. I'll I may come back to those, but just because of time Mhmm.
I'm gonna go on to my second little question. Go to the moment where and when you perceived that she did this behavior and tried to undermine you and tried to do something, go to the moment when you first perceived it.
The actual moment you perceived she did that and you were angry.
Okay.
Is this when he told you and spoke to you? Mhmm. So go to the moment when he began to speak about it, and now you resented her for exposing something you said even though you didn't see her do it.
You had some evidence from him. Go to the moment you felt resentful to her at that moment, and let me know when you're there.
The moment your husband's speaking up about it, and now you're aware that she did. Okay.
I'm there. You're there? Great.
Mhmm. How did that benefit you at that moment?
You have spiritual benefits, intellectual benefits, business benefits, financial benefits, family, social, physical.
How did it benefit you in your career?
It didn't. Mhmm.
I don't ask questions. I don't have answers. Oh.
How did it help you in your career? Everything has both advantages and disadvantages. If you choose to see the disadvantage, you become a victim of history.
You look at the advantages so how did it benefit you in your career?
You were somehow unfulfilled in the relationship. Yeah. I I was able to come out from behind his shadow.
Say that. Say that because you're gonna have a tear when you say it. Say it.
I was able to come out from behind his shadow. Say it again. I was able to come out from behind his shadow.
Okay.
And you had been sitting in his shadow, and you wanted out of his shadow, and you were not and that's when you had the fling, you had somebody that was giving you acknowledgment.
Yeah. And you were living in a shadow
instead of on the shoulders and equals. It made me visible when I felt invisible. Exactly.
Okay. So you were unfulfilled.
That's why you were looking for somebody to try to bring in fulfillment. Anything you're not willing to do with your mate, you gotta be willing to delegate. If the man's not doing something that's fulfilling your needs, then you'll find somebody else to fill those needs.
Pretty normal. Mhmm. So you got out from under their shadow.
And how did that help your career?
Repositioned yourself with your power? Yeah. Can you see you were hoping for that and wanting that?
Mhmm. So can you see that the lady actually catalyzed you to be able to go and do what you wanna do? Yeah.
Did you ever give her a percentage of the income that you earned No. As a as a consultant?
No. K. How did they help you intellectually?
What did you learn as a result of him speaking up, saying that? What did you learn that was valuable in your life?
I learned to that it wasn't my job to sacrifice for somebody else's happiness.
Okay. So anytime you infatuate with somebody and put them on a pedestal, you'll minimize yourself and inject some of their values into your life and try to live in their values, which is futile.
Mhmm. It's non sustainable futility. And you had some infatuation with a man initially, apparently.
So you learned that lesson. What's that worth?
Oh. Put a dollar value on that. Oh my god.
At least a couple million.
Okay. But you never gave any of that to the girl, the lady that helped catalyze that freedom and that lesson? No.
Okay. Because somehow we don't see that people are not in in our way. They're actually on our way, their actions.
How did it help you actually financially?
When he's go back to the moment when he said what he said, and it led to the relationship breaking down, which is actually a liberty to you, but we don't always wanna admit that.
And, um, how did that actually help you financially and put some real dollars on that?
Well, in the settlement, I got money.
Okay. And did you invest that?
Yes.
And is that giving you compound in passive income? It was no longer, but yeah. It did.
So you then chose to use it and put it into a house or something? Yes. K.
A lifestyle instead of investment.
Well, it was a home. Yeah. Yeah.
But a lifestyle.
Yeah. That's not just an investment. Passive income is an investment.
A lifestyle is a house. Yes. So that was your choice.
But, actually, the money, which was an amount, could have been put into assets.
Well, I did I did some of that too. Yeah. I put it in my kid's college.
Yeah. Just I'll come back to this. Okay.
So it helped you financially because you got a house, and you had a desire for a house. Did you have a desire to have a house?
Well, I wanted to live somewhere. Yeah. Okay.
Mean, but I did want house. Renting and investing the difference, you you chose to have a house. Did you want a house?
Yes. So did she help catalyze you getting your own house? Yes.
And do you now design it and organize it the way you want Yes. Instead of his or yours together?
Yes.
So you got financial remuneration. You got liberated intellectually on some things about not subordinating to other people, which is a basic reclaiming of your own power.
And you also got catalyst into drive driven back into your career?
Mhmm. And did you go more into your career with more gusto? Yes.
And did that give you some advantages in your career?
Yes.
But you didn't thank her for that? No. Okay.
And how did it help you in social circles?
Did it screen out people that were not really engaged in your your long term mission? Yes.
And did did you then prioritize and select people that were more in more in line with your mission? Yes. So didn't you you were living in the shadows through those other people, through your husband, and now you've shed those Yes.
That you thought were friends? Yes. That were friends to him?
And I didn't thank her for that either. No. But now you're now selective with people that are more engaged in what you're up to Yes.
And understand your mission? Yes. What's that worth?
Oh my god. A life.
So she's helped you have your life back, your finances back, the house if you want, your career engagement, and you've learned a great deal about not living in subordination to anybody else.
Correct. Nobody's worth putting on pedestals or pits, but they're worth putting in hearts. So now let's go and look at how did it help you physically.
I got in great shape.
Did you get workout Yeah. Back on the back on the market? Well, not right away, but yes.
Well, but you went back into shape because you know that fitness is and looks is one of the key elements for dynamics. Well, it's my self image.
You know? Okay. So then you got to develop your self image so we can add that as another benefit?
Yes. So you got a self image out of it. You got back in shape.
You got some cash flow out of it. Got a house. Mhmm.
Um, how did it help your family? Your you have children. Yeah.
How did it help the children?
You know that doesn't work with me. I know. How did it help the children?
That's what I feel guilty about, my daughter. I'm gonna dissolve that.
How did it help the children? You only feel guilty when you assume you did an act that caused more pain and pleasure to somebody in the future from the in the past, pardon me.
If you see the benefits to them, that's gone. So, otherwise, you'll sacrifice and subordinate to her pleasing her.
Right.
What you're doing? I was more present and probably not probably.
I was more present. I was a better parent. Say that again.
I was more present and a better parent. Okay. So then this lady, by her saying what she did,
helped you in the dynamic with your children Yes. Be more present.
Yes. What's another benefit to your children? Do you have two children?
One? Um, well, one from that marriage.
One from that marriage. So that's when you're addressing. How else did it help her?
To her. Right? Mhmm.
How else did it help her when this lady did that? Yeah.
Um, I think because of the different moving around that we did, she blossomed as
So your daughter got to blossom. Mhmm. She became more independent probably.
Mhmm. And you got to be more of a present with her. Mhmm.
So what did you think you did that was guilt generating? You didn't see the benefits? That should you know, her father wasn't in the same house.
When the father wasn't there, who became the new father figure? Nothing's ever missing. It just changes form.
So who became the new father figure? Mentors, coaches, best friends, older men?
Yep. What's the benefit of them becoming the father figure instead of him?
They were more present for her.
So by you by what happened, this lady catalyzed it so she could do it. Now when your husband left, did he leave, or did you leave?
I left. Okay. You left.
Who became the new woman in his life that he starts to train again? A new one that he gets to train.
Um, how specific do you want me to be? There's a series?
What? Is there a series of them? No.
It's somebody who almost has my same name and looked like me. He's now in the next training program. He's teaching the next training program, and she's gonna learn the lesson and get to grow some more too.
So what what's how did it help you in your spiritual path?
Having this lady go back it's it's gotta go back to the lady No. I know. Understand that.
She's saying. How did it help you spiritually in your spiritual awareness? Whatever whatever inspires you is your spiritual path.
What exactly how did it help unfold an inspiration for you?
Bigger vision, new possibilities,
new New possibilities, seeing myself as a whole Say that.
Seeing myself as a whole being. Say that again. Seeing myself as a whole being.
What's what's that? What's the value of that?
It's
Isn't that what authenticity is? What's that? Isn't that what authenticity is?
Yes. We sometimes exaggerate ourselves or minimize ourselves. Mhmm.
And we have these impostor fragments, the parts. And when we integrate them, we get to be authentic and whole.
And that's individually as a whole. Individual means undivided. You're not a person, persona, mask.
You're an individual whole. So you got to grow spiritually Mhmm.
Intellectually, mentally. In other words, socially, financially, your business, what is it you're upset about on What's the problem?
What's what's what are you judging her for that you haven't done?
And by the way, when you've done this, it's also catalyzed greatness in other people, but you not may not have ever seen it. Yeah. You may have felt bad that you did it.
But the reality is that everybody gets to grow in these dynamics. If they don't grow, it's because not because of what happened, it's because they've chosen not to see the blessings in it. They're making themselves victims of history, not masters of destiny.
I'm just helping you be accountable to see that you're actually on track.
The lady was a perfect catalyst to catalyze something that you were contemplating in your mind about getting out of that marriage. Mhmm. But you didn't have the courage to do that because you didn't wanna have the feeling the responses from people judging you for jumping out of your marriage, and you had to have to have the perfect person to come in and help you catalyze it.
Someone to blame.
Someone to to use as a scapegoat because you didn't wanna be the one that said I'm breaking up my marriage because of an injected value from probably a mom or somebody else in your life. Am I hitting it?
Oh, yeah. So what's another benefit of this whole thing happening besides us having the time to get to meet today?
Yeah.
And thank you.
Well, I just live in my truth now.
Oh, what's that worth?
You can't put a price on that.
Now I'm gonna ask you another wild question.
At the moment, go to the actual moment that he said this again, and he said that she told him about these things.
What exactly did he say that she said?
Or what did you believe at the moment he disclosed what he did that she had done?
What did he actually say? Yeah. He asked me point blank if I was having an affair, and I said yes.
Okay. Then
he said, because Deborah called me and told me.
Okay. So because Deborah told him, he then was he intuitive and already kinda wondering?
No. So he's a naive. Focus on his work or something or was he painting?
Working. Okay. You know, there's a there's a price for every marriage, every relationship.
They may be highly intelligent, but they know it all. They may be hardworking, but they're hardly there.
They may be a great sense of humor, but it's the same story. Never get a pleasure without a pain. There's always a pair of opposites like a magnet.
So that is wise to not go after a a idea in a relationship that I'm gonna get a pleasure without a pain because that's not gonna happen. Every every relationship's got something.
It's a picadelos they call it. Yeah. That's a word I haven't heard in a while.
Now go to that moment when he said that and you felt in a sense that that's when you judged her. She was saying something derogatory about you that you didn't want anybody to do.
What would be the opposite behavior of that if somebody is saying something derogatory about you to somebody and and exposing something, what would be the opposite?
Somebody holding a secret back and keeping a secret about you? Would that be an opposite? Yeah.
At the moment when she was to he he declared that she had disclosed that information, who is doing exactly the opposite to you at that moment, keeping a big secret and loyal to you at that moment?
Because anytime you are infatuated with a loyal person, you have to have somebody that behind your scenes does the opposite, betrays. You never heard attractive betrayal unless you're addicted to a loyal. Who are you addicted to that was loyal to you that you trusted and kept secrets to at the moment she he spoke?
Who else did you tell that you knew you could trust? Oh, I was You knew his loyalty would not say a word.
My therapist.
Ah. Were you highly involved in your therapist at the time?
She she was helping me. Yeah. But you were in engaging her and telling her all your stuff, and she couldn't disclose it?
Correct.
Because anytime you get infatuated or like somebody that you can disclose your narrative story to that can't say anything or undermine that, you attract a betrayer to break your addiction to that because you don't grow in that.
That keeps you stuck. Yep. So you get the person over here to make sure that you actually break through the stuff that you're judging in yourself.
Mhmm. So just know that your dependency on her at the time is part of the reason why this also catalyzes. Because otherwise, you're dependent on her, now you're the just like you were infatuated and playing underdog to the man, you were doing that to the to the therapist.
And as long as you're underdog to the therapist, you're gonna have somebody to break your addiction. Anytime you infatuate somebody to become dependent on them and fear the loss of somebody, you attract somebody who comes in there to break that addiction
Yeah. Makes perfect sense. To strengthen that.
Makes sense? Absolutely. Now I'm gonna ask you another wild question and reverse question.
Okay. Go to the moment when you found out she did it. If she never told him that and never tried to bring you down and did what you hope she would have done, kind of the fantasy.
Because you only resent somebody because they don't match the fantasy of the opposite that you hold on to. So if she had never told him and was in never putting you down and trying to take you down and supported you like your therapist, what would have been the drawback to your life today?
I would have been still I was stuck. Stuck?
Did you ever thank her for helping you get unstuck? No. Can you see you've matured and grown quite extensively since this moment?
Oh, yeah. But you never thanked her. Right now, her name is Deborah.
Right? Right now, if Deborah was sitting in front of you, what would you tell her?
I probably would apologize.
Apologize for what? What did you think you did to her that would need apologies? Apologies assume that you did something that caused pain to her.
I guess I then thank her. Thank her for What what did you think you need to apologize for? What did you think you did that you caused Because of all of the You withdrew from a friend?
What? Did you withdraw from a friend? Oh, yeah.
I withdrew, and I I just harbored resentment.
Good.
How did that help her?
By harboring resentment? How did it help her? How did it help her?
Whenever we get somebody that's resenting us and withdrawing from us, we also get people that come close to us that infatuate with us. So who had her on a pedestal infatuate and got closer to her as you were withdrawing from her and resenting her?
Oh, she she got married.
What if you found out that you contributed to her having a man that supported her at that time?
That would be good. Wasn't she a friend? Wouldn't she want her to find a man she wanted?
Absolutely.
Would you feel guilty about that? No. What would you wanna tell her now?
You imagine her in front of you.
I would I would tell her that I'm really happy that she's happy, and she has a child, and she has a good marriage. And I think I mean, I think Do think that maybe you the dynamic that happened between you made that possible?
Catalyzed part of that? Yeah. Did you ever thank yourself?
No.
Sometimes we don't see the hidden order that's going on in our life, and it doesn't match the stories and narratives and the moral hypocrisies about how life's supposed to be, and then we judge it all instead of miss out and instead of seeing the magnificence that's actually occurring.
So right now, what would you say to her about her saying the thing to husband?
What would you say to her? You've got a lot of benefits out of it. You want her to live the rest of her life not knowing what you gained from that?
No. I probably would. I I would tell her that I there were a lot of benefits that came out of that.
It was it was hard
and What was what was hard? Go you know, going through it. Mean, it would aspect of it was hard?
Uh, the breaking apart of everything.
You know? What was what was easy about that?
I felt relieved.
That's why was it hard?
You had you had to adjust and face the truth about what was happening?
I had to face my shame about not stepping up and taking accountability when I was feeling hurt.
So I I probably created a situation where somebody could hurt me more.
So I feel What what what what did you what who and what hurt you? The husband? Yeah.
I just What did he do specifically to hurt? I'm now going off on another little chart. Um, he dis disengaged.
Okay. What did you do to make sure he disengaged?
People only disengage when they're not getting their values met. If I'm talking to somebody and I'm meeting their values and needs, they're totally engaged. If they disengage, it means somehow they're not getting what they want in the dynamic or in conversations with you.
What were you doing to help him make sure he was disengaged?
Well, clearly, I'm not ready to accept that because I'm I No. That that no. No.
That's not works here. Yeah. Was
it that you were frustrated because he was working? Yeah. He was And you didn't honor his work?
That was one of his highest values. Mhmm. Everybody lives according to the hierarchy of their values.
Mhmm. They make decisions accordingly, whatever will give them the greatest value. If somebody they're with is not understanding what their highest value is and is, in their minds, trying to get them away from what their highest value is, they withdraw.
How has him working so extensively helped you when during the time you're with him and he was working so extensively?
How did that benefit you? Oh, provide gave us a nice life. It gave us Did you give him your house afterwards?
Yeah. Yeah. And during that time when he was working so hard, where did you put your energies?
Children?
I was helping him with his business and
raising my our daughter. Yeah. Okay.
So you were putting energy in the daughter and also business. Yeah. And were you getting paid for that?
So you're just sacrificing and and helping him in his business and assuming he was gonna take care of things, which he eventually did. Yeah.
Yeah. So you wouldn't have done it unless there was some sort of, in your perception, advantage over disadvantage out of doing it because nobody moves a muscle without an advantage over disadvantage.
So what advantage are you getting out of taking care of him and doing that for him?
What what was the advantage?
Yeah. You wouldn't have done it if there wasn't advantage. You would have withdrawn.
I just think I repeated the cycle that I grew up in. That that that didn't answer the question. What's the advantage you got consciously?
Probably being a victim.
No. That's no. That's not the benefit.
That's a story. Okay. What's the benefit you got out of working and helping him in his business?
What was your hidden agenda? Nobody moves a muscle with automotive. Oh, I I wanted him to succeed.
For what reason for you?
Lifestyle? Long term objective? Long term objective.
What was the hidden agenda? Oh, the hidden agenda. Wanna make sure you got to a certain level so you got enough to be able to when you when you wanna have the affair and divorce him, you got something?
No. No. Yeah.
Okay. Then go go to what was the real objective there. Nobody is altruistic.
Yeah. They have a hidden agenda or compensation for guilt and shame in the past when they're doing altruistic acts. Okay.
I think I'm getting lost in all the words, but I just I wanted to prove my value to him.
And did you?
I thought I didn't,
but Did you feel that you were on a underdog position? You had to be. All the signs are showing it.
Yeah. So you wanted to make sure that you contributed to him because you felt like you were getting a good deal.
I needed to feel valued By him.
By him. And
So you didn't feel you were being valued for him. Who had you on a pedestal that overvalued you? You never get undervalued without overvalued.
So who overvalued you at the time? Who had you on a pedestal? Well, he did.
Okay. Well, that's confusing because you just said I need to prove a value to him and you're saying he overvalued you. Weren't that contradict?
Did, And then it then it waned and so I was trying to earn that. Waned and he wasn't valuing you, who picked up that part? Who started valuing you besides your therapist?
My daughter. Ah. So in the family dynamic, she started putting a value on you as he was waning.
Okay. What was the benefit of her doing it, not him? You got to feel more like a a decent mother because you came back and said that you want to contribute more and be even a greater mother.
Yeah.
So you got the benefit of being acknowledged as a mother by the daughter during the time when he waned. Yeah. We have very good relationships.
Found out that there's always a balance of support and challenge, praise and reprimand that's conserved through life, and it's just morphing and changing forms through people. And when he withdraws, somebody else picks it up.
Absolutely. And when he's doing it, you become addicted and subordinate to him.
And you began to grow. When your daughter started supporting you, you just started gaining some independence.
Can you see that happened? Yep. So can you see that that her doing it was lifting you up and making you stand more as an equal, which is leveling the playing field.
And he was used to you being the underdog, and all of a sudden you're now not playing there, he's withdrawn and trying to find somebody else to give him the attention. Yeah.
I can see that now.
So right now, then when he's devalued you like that, what was the benefit to you?
You started your independence. When somebody praises you, you become juvenile dependent. When somebody criticizes you and challenge you, you become precociously independent.
If he hadn't done that, you would have been trapped. I would have felt like I couldn't rise above him because then I would lose him. Oh my god.
Yeah. You only fear the loss of things you got above you. Mhmm.
You don't fear the loss of things you go below you. One's prey, one's predator. So right now, what did he do or she do that's not part of the journey that was needed?
It all worked out. And and But there is something I would have changed here. What would you have changed?
I would have put my foot down because my career was going great in New York, and I wouldn't have left. I would have insisted we stayed.
So you got infatuated with a guy and sacrificed your career for a fantasy guy. So you're not probably going to do that, are you? You probably learned a lesson.
Yes. So he taught you the value of that Correct. Because you thought that you needed a man for your identity.
I just didn't wanna do things alone. I wanted to, you know, wanted to partner with you're alone.
I'm alone anyway. Yeah. Yeah.
Alone and not alone are always balanced in life. There's a part of the pair of opposites that just change form and morph again. Yeah.
So right now,
uh, what would you change different? It would have been nice to have that feeling.
What feeling? The the feeling that I I was enough.
You know? And who is when he was not doing it, the daughter was doing it. Yeah.
And who else was doing it besides the daughter? Because they're balanced.
For twenty five years, I've been demonstrating in people's lives that you can't get one without the other because of the law of contrast. Mhmm. You can't judge something without its equal and opposite contrast being there to be able to perceive.
So if somebody's criticizing, there's appraiser. You don't see it. You run the story.
I'm a victim of criticism. I'm a victim all my life. You don't get anywhere that way.
When you see both sides, you realize that I had a transformation of who is supporting and challenging me throughout my whole life. Yes.
That's mastery. So who was praising you besides your daughter at the time and had you kinda on a pedestal and made you important? Wanna include you in in the life?
Friends? Yeah. My friends.
Social circles and friends? Social circles.
I was taking a course at the time and learning a new skill. And those people and the teachers and people on that? Mhmm.
So can you see that him doing that work and withdrawing allowed you to get the support from those people and the daughter.
Correct. But wasn't that necessary for the next step? Was it necessary for the next step?
All that education and every all that information. Wasn't that part of your network and team and knowledge you needed to go the next step? Correct.
Yeah. So where have you not been on track?
I've been on track. So what's it like to realize you've been on track the whole time? There hasn't been an air in this whole thing.
I can let all this crap out. The illusion go. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. So right now when you look at your your husband, can you see he played a perfect job in this?
Your daughter played a role. Deborah played a role. So if Deborah's sitting in front of you again, what do wanna tell Deborah right now?
Thank you, Deborah. Do you wanna say to her? I said, thank you, Deborah.
Okay. Yeah. Now is that a little lighter than you started?
Oh, hell yeah. Is the narrative that you had completely looked differently?
Yes. Okay. Now we've only did about two or three little columns out of the the exercise.
There's 80 columns in it. Okay? So we could just keep going with it.
Yeah. But we're getting somewhere. I don't think she can handle it.
We're getting somewhere. Yeah. By the way No.
I'm gonna go journal about this. It's like Okay. Just know that any of the stories that you've had in your life, I I I went through this, I had this, and I challenged childhood and all that stuff, it's all bullshit.
Okay. And I you may not believe me, but if I sat with you for a period of time and we narrowed it down one by one, you would be in tears of gratitude for what happened in your life.
And then you'd be liberated from the story that you've run that we we run our illusions till we're ready for the truth.
The truth kinda sets us free from the stories. We use the stories because of all the moral hypocrisies we get indoctrinated about how people are supposed to be Mhmm. Instead of seeing how magnificent they are in the journey.
Somebody once asked me if I had if there was a year that I would eliminate, you know, in my life, which one would it be in and I, you know, just like queen Elizabeth said she had the Anna's horribilis.
I said, you know, 2005, but I wouldn't do it because then I wouldn't have met you,
that person. You know? Well, anything you can't say thank you for is your baggage.
Yeah. Anything you can say thank you for is your fuel. Yeah.
So you you can decide to be a victim of history because you're comparing current reality to a fantasy and how it should have been, would have been, could have been, or you can be a master of destiny to be able to see through and navigate it and realize there's nothing that I or other people did that's not part of the journey that was needed to help me move forward.
Yep. Because you said things were being held back, but I haven't heard anything that's really holding you back. Just me.
Sounds like you've been growing and doing and expanding in the areas that are important to you. Yes. But we can run that narrative sometimes.
Mhmm. Sometimes we compare ourselves to other people. Anytime you compare yourself to somebody else and put them above you, you're gonna inject their values.
You're gonna try to envy and imitate them, as Emerson said, which is futile and a form of suicide. And you'll eventually learn the hard way that that's futile and nonsustainable. Yeah.
And eventually, you get the symptoms of that to wake you up, to not put people on pedestals. Nobody's worth putting on pedestals.
There's no guru out there. There's no teacher out there. There's no saint out there.
There's human beings out there. I've met enough gurus out there that people think are all somehow one-sided or enlightened or whatever. No.
They're just human beings. We're all just human beings, and we're not worth putting on pedestal pits. We're worth putting in hearts.
And now you've got Deborah Moore in your heart than when we started. That's our objective. Yeah.
And that's I didn't realize how
how clung onto that it was because it's still harboring.
Yeah. Yeah. That's why I'm not interested in your story because the story is anytime you have an emotional story, you have incomplete information.
Yes. Anytime you have thank you, I love you, we got we got we're getting somewhere.
Yep.
Thank you. So that's at least a start. Round of applause, everybody.
Wow.
Thank you to everybody for your patience. Thanks for doing that. How much time was that?
Forty minutes? Forty five? Yeah.
About forty five. I think we have Forty, forty five minutes.
I I have my own reflections on this, and I could not help but to feel some of the feelings that she was sharing and, you know, having my own kind of replaying in my life.
What is it about our human nature that we tend to focus on the negative and not the positive? Because if you keep doing this, it seems like we're all exactly where we need to be, and we learn the moment we appreciate
all that's happened. When I turned 18 years old, I I was living in Hawaii as a big wave rider surfer. And I left there, and I came to Texas to visit my parents.
So I left home at a young age, 13. My parents saw that I wanted to go and learn how to read and go back and try to learn again. So I was inspired by Paul Bragg who helped me believe that maybe someday I could be intelligent because I was told I would never be able to read, write, communicate, never mount a thing, never go over in foreign life when I was first grade, and I end up not I didn't read till I was 18.
So I got inspired, and I started back.
And my parents bought a set of books, a little triplet book by Norman Vincent Peale, The Power of Positive Thinking. So I read this book, and I thought I need to be more positive.
And I was reading it with a dictionary because my vocabulary was limited, but I tried and tried and tried and tried to be positive, positive, positive, positive. But no matter what I did, I'd I'd falter. I'd have some judgment on myself or on somebody else or whatever, and I thought, what am I doing wrong?
And so I got a whole collection of self help books thinking I was gonna eventually get there to a positive pole of a magnet without the other pole. And no matter what I did, I kept faltering.
I'd have negative thoughts. So I said, well, maybe I need to go live to the seminar. So it's starting at age 20.
I started attending seminars. I went to a live seminar with Norman Vincent Peale. He stood on stage and he says, you probably know me as the father of positive thinking, but I must confess before you today that I am one the most negative thinking people you've ever met.
And the reason I wrote the books on positive thinking is to help balance out my negativity. And I was the only one applauding. Everybody else was, like, shocked, and I was applauding.
And then I went to, you know, I went to the national speakers, and I met Earl Nightingale and his brother, and I met Debbie Clement Stone, and I met, you know, tremendous Jones and Jim Rohn and all these speakers. Right? And I got to interact with them and hang out with them and find out about their lives and stuff.
And as I was emerging from 18 year olds, I wanted to be a teacher, and so I was started my teaching career. I got to meet those people, and every one of them had both positive and negative. And so I thought, why are we teaching something nobody's living?
And I remember Paul Dirac, a Nobel Prize winner, he wrote a book in 1947 called the principles of quantum mechanics. And he said, um, it's not that we don't know so much, it's we know so much that they didn't sell.
We're taught misinformation. Political and theological systems like to be in the guilt control the the guilt producing control business.
They love to create a moral hypocrisy that nobody can live by so you can feel ashamed so they can control you with the fantasy of the afterlife and the the eternal damnation, eternal salvation, you might say, or the control of some projected moralities of society. So I started realizing, you know what?
And it took me a decade to finally realize that no matter how hard I'm trying to do, I'm not getting positive without negative.
They're coming together as a pair. And I'm supportive and challenging and nice and mean and kind and cruel. Heraclitus, the Greek philosopher, talked about the unity of opposites.
And Paul Dirac got his information from particle and antiparticle physics from that idea. And I thought, the unity of opposites just makes more sense to me because I'm having the unity of opposites. I'm having both.
And the dialectic and the propositions of of arguments and law and then to the history from the time of Zeno through Aristotle to Hegel and all these philosophers, they all were talking about the unity of opposites, bringing and synthesizing these pairs of opposites.
And I thought, I wonder what would happen if we did that in our in our mind. We took the positive negatives and integrated them in our mind. Could we liberate ourselves from the intrusive thoughts and the the things that occupy space and time in our mind that run our lives?
Because anybody that's highly infatuated can't sleep at night. They got insomnia because they're on the alert that I got food in front of me. Don't wanna lose it, so I'm awake.
Or if I got somebody I'm resentful, it's a predator. I gotta stay awake because I could get eaten. And so we have this insomnia, which is symptomatic, trying to let us know we have imbalanced ratios of perception about people that were storing in our mind causing these difficulties sleeping.
So I set out to answer the question, is there such a thing as positive thinking by itself? So at age 28, I took 300 bestselling books on positive thinking.
I underlined every positive word in those things and compiled those into a 2,000 index cards list. And I wrote a book.
You can find it online, 2,000 quotes to the wise, a day by day guide to inspirational living by doctor Demartini. Published it 1983 on the most positive words and the most positive meditated affirmations and quotations that could be stated by that.
And I put this book together, and then I decided I was going to quote those divide that into three hundred sixty five days. I put five to six quotes per day.
I decided I was gonna chant them 108 times like the rosary beads or the Joppa beads by the the International Society of Krishna Consciousness, and I'm going to go through and inculcate my brain with the most positive words, the most positive statements, the most positive things I could, and then monitor and measure on a day by day cycle forecasting form the seven areas of my life to see what impact it's having on my life.
And I did that for two years every single day, four monitorings a day, seven, eleven, three, and seven, and monitored what impacted saying nothing but positive words and nothing but positive statements impact my life and I monitored it.
And at the end of two years, I got a Texas Instrument calculator out, if you all remember those, and I calculated all the fluctuations of all the highs and lows and positive negatives I had during the time I was concentrating most intensely more than anybody I'd ever met on positive thinking.
And it came out zero. And then I learned something that I could've learned if I had just studied. I learned that there's a thing called hedonic adaptation that each of us have a set point that automatically oscillates our positives and negatives and brings us back.
We also have a moral licensing effect. Anytime we get proud, we give ourselves permission to do something to undermine it to make sure we feel shame to get us back in equilibrium. We do something ashamed.
We do something to go pride. We go and work out. We then give ourselves permission to drink wine and eat and do things as a homeostat to try to keep us to the set point of our authentic state.
So I realized at the end of it that it was a pointless thing to try to be one-sided. The Buddha said the desire for that which is unobtainable and the desire to avoid that which is unavoidable is a source of human suffering. So instead of trying to get one half of a magnet and try to get rid of the other half a magnet, is futile, I finally embrace the positive and negative.
And I started asking, why do we have negativity? And I found without certain without the uncertainty about it, that the second you have negativity, it's because it's there to break your addiction to its opposite pole.
So anytime your amygdala, which wants to avoid a predator and seek a prey, it wants to create a positive without a negative, a pleasure without a pain, a happy without a sad, a peace without a war. It's trying to get a one-sided world that doesn't exist. And the moment you do, our negativity through our intuition comes out to try to break that addiction.
Because if we get addicted to that, we become juvenly dependent on it, and we don't grow. So we have to have the other side in order to grow again. So nature brings us back to the unity of opposites, which is our authentic self.
I'm both hero and villain, nice and mean, kind and cruel. I'm not a one-sided individual. Neither none of us are.
There is no such thing as a one-sided interview. There's no heroes out there. Any religion that promotes it or any politics that promotes it is a farce.
Because when you really get to know somebody after you marry somebody, they got both sides. Giving yourself permission to be whole, which is exactly what all this was giving you, transcends the illusion of trying to get a positive out of a negative.
And trying to get rid of half of yourself is futile. You'll never love yourself if you're trying to get rid of all your negativity. It's pointless because you need it.
You need it to break your addictions to the fantasies. Your executive center in the forebrain, which has foresight and strategic planning and is more the integrated center of the soul according to Scientific American September 2022, shows that our real self is that integrated self, not the fractured parts.
So as long as we're striving for a one-sided world, the other side has to smack us. So negativity is an absolutely essential aspect of human behavior.
It is pointless to try to get rid of it. It's needed. Learning what it's trying to reveal to our minds is important.
And most well, I found 15 most common reasons why we have negativity. We have unrealistic expectations on others to be one-sided, not both sided.
We have unrealistic expectations that others are gonna live in our values, not their own. The combination of those two, we have an unrealistic expectation that we are going to be one-sided, so we have negative towards ourself.
Why am I not positive? I've had a negative. I feel proud when I do this.
I feel shame this way. We become bipolar. Unrealistic expectation us to live in other people's values like your husband, unreal or a combination of those two.
Unrealistic expectation on the collective society to be living one-sided, final peace. Global peace index across the world shows a balance of peace of war across the world year after year after year, but idiots think they're gonna get a one-sided world. You need both to grow to transform just like you need the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic nervous system for catalyst, for catabolism, and anabolism to destroy and build in your body for you to adapt to changing environments.
The world needs that. And the unrealistic expectation on the collective society that everybody's gonna live in your values.
When I spoke at UNESCO, United Nations, I I trained 75 delegates there and cracked their fantasy that everybody the world would be at peace if everybody would just follow their values.
Delusions. But we live in a delusion because our amygdala runs most people's lives, primarily because we've been taught we're supposed to get rid of half of ourselves and be one-sided.
And we can't love ourselves or other people as long as we're striving for that which is unobtainable. So there's a series of reasons why we have negativity and the negativity is not our enemy, it's our friend because it's letting us know when we have unrealistic expectations. And our depression is a culmination of all those unrealistic expectations that do affect our biochemistry, but our pharmaceutical companies want you to believe it's because there's a lack of their drug, which is not true.
It robs people of their power. There's nobody that has depression that can't transcend it. Guaranteed.
I could just get warmed up.
And we're out of time. I don't know. I'm I'm speechless.
Oh, what's up, Milka? Based
on what I heard from you as a designer where everything that you're thinking saying, I'm trying to, you know, put it together as an image. I came with this image and please help me if if if I'm it's very simple. I've simplified all the things that you've said is that there's this cup which is half full and half empty and based on whatever all the things that you heard that's what I'm envisioning that it's up to us how we see life either half full or half empty.
It could be like maybe one ounce water and the rest empty, but that one ounce water is still a blessing. It's not seeing one or the other. It's seeing both simultaneously.
Got it.
Wilhelm Wand, the father of experimental psychology, 1897 text, said that when people see simultaneous contrast, they have stability and authenticity.
When they see sequential contrast and there's an arrow of time and entropy and disorder in the perception, you have inauthenticity.
You have the impostor syndrome or the persona, the masked parts that we wear. So if we are infatuated with somebody and we're unconscious of the downside, and then later we resent them and we're unconscious of the upside, which most marriages do.
There's a sequential contrast. There's a separation between the positive and negatives.
Anytime there's a separation, positive and negative, we're unstable. We have disorder, missing information. If we can see both of them simultaneously, that's why when you go out on the first date, you might as well get it out of the way, get it on the table.
Find out what that is. Imagine me on a first date. Right?
You'd tortured.
Yes. But my girlfriend does the same work, so she's right there. She just holds me accountable.
So I was in the Ritz Hotel in 1991 with my wife at the time who's passed away.
And we were listening to the prince and princesses of Japan on their honeymoon.
They just got married. They're now the empress an empress.
But they were at the Ritz having dinner adjacent to us, and they had a 500 page document, both of them, and they were asking each other questions to get to know each other that were handed down for generations in Japan that were wise questions, really wise questions, to help get to know the individual and break through the facade that they are when they're first together.
Really believe that would be a useful tool for most people because you fabricate the the amygdala, when it sees prey, it creates a positive feedback system and a false positive in order to create adrenaline to be able to run fast enough to capture the prey.
And so what we do is we generalize and distort and exaggerate the positives and have false negatives and subconscious disconfirming biases on the negatives at first to feed our fantasy instead of actually ground ourselves with quality questions.
Better to get those questions out and save yourself enormous amounts of fantasy and unrealistic expectations.
That's why the quality of our lives based on quality questions we ask. If we ask quality questions so this this couple, this prince and princess, were doing something in in balancing out the romance with a reason and making sure they got to know each other.
If this happened, how would you respond? If this happened, how would you respond? If I did this, how would you respond?
And it was offloaded for traditional questioning, so it wasn't an attack on them.
It's just thought provoking questions to make you aware of you as a human being transcending the delusive fantasies that society tends to impose on marriages, which are costly in society.
So a wise thing to do. That's why the quality of our lives based on quality questions.
So I'm I'm a lover of questions because a question makes you conscious of what you're unconscious of. My questioning made you conscious of what you're unconscious. And you feel you probably feel lighter now.
Yeah. Anytime you have emotions and valency and charge and you're stored in the subconscious mind, is the neural correlate, which is the amygdala and hippocampus, you create what is called entropic gravity.
Eric Verlin's work, you wanna look it up. You create entropic gravity and you weigh yourself down. It ages you.
Aging is a the a result of entropy and the arrow of time separating memory and imagination in the sequential contrast of awareness.
So the second we bring those into synchronicity, we empower our life again. When a bank gives you a credit card and you go shopping and you get pleasure and thirty days later, you get pain, they help you become addict to consumerism because you assume you can get a pleasure without a pain.
When I grew up, we had a layaway plan. You deferred gratification and you paid things, and then when you paid it off, you finally got it. That is much healthier and much more stable for a society to have deferred gratification because immediate gratification cost long term vision and deferred gratification pays investment wise, relationship wise, every area of life, health wise.
So separating the inseparables, dividing the indivisible, labeling unlabelables, naming ineffitables, and polarizing unpolarizables go against what Empedocles and Heraclitus said two thousand six hundred years ago and undermine human potential.
So I try to bring them back by the questions we ask.
I'm sure you're familiar with this piece of literature, but everything you're saying right now is remind me of one of my favorite quotes by Rainer Maria Rilke about learn to live the questions, and maybe someday in the distant future, you will be able to live your way into the answer or something like that. I'm butchering it.
But everything you're saying, it's it's really interesting. We want answers so desperately. Desperately.
I feel like as humans, we want the pain, the suffering to be done, to be gone. And so every time you're talking about the quality of the questions, just keep thinking about what he says in that the letters to a young poet is is the book. And he says, do not try to get get the answer.
He basically says, if the answers were given to you, you wouldn't even be able to live them. So learn to love the questions. And I feel like that's what you so beautifully display in your career and what you did today.
And I think I may have to go to the seminar this weekend.
We'd love to have you. It's my mission.
I've done it 1,246 times. This will be the one thousand two hundred and forty seventh time I presented it.
You keep such a distinct
record of all the the other books you read. Who's doing this? Or how are you?
I do it every day. I document everything.
This this show will be on in my gratitude journal. I have 9,378 pages of journals.
Tracking this on, like, a computer and old Word document.
Amazing. By the way, there's a 12 step program, survivors of Demartini. You can join that.
Just less of a question, but more of a observation in how I an epiphany that I had a few years ago going through a job loss, and and someone told me that, Chris, this is a gift and this, you know, bad negative thing that was happening to me. And then I just relends my whole life at that point in time going back. And then, of course, going forward after that, everything that you appear that appears to be negative or bad, it really truly is a gift.
You see that as, like, a gift for us, just giving you something new, giving you're gonna grow from it, something is gonna happen, walk through that door. And when, uh, if if it didn't happen, you would be stuck.
So thank you for coming out. Summarized
and said in 10 words what I just took 300,000 words to say. Your wisdom out Sean me on that one.
Well, thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you.
Thank you. Yeah. By the way, the word passion that so fervently is promoted today, if it you look at its etymology, it comes from passio and pati.
Pati, which means to suffer. Compassion means to suffer with somebody.
I have no interest in passion or compassion or the affections that Aristotle warned against. I'm simply interested in helping people discover their mission.
Missing the ions. The charges are not there. Missing the ions.
Not passing between the ions.
The dharmic path, not the karmic path.
The equanimity of the Christian construct or the myth or construct of the path of the sun.
You could give any religious construct or philosophical or perennial wisdom. You can see your way of saying the same thing, the unity of opposites.
I remember in I think it was 1985, I saw an illustration in Time Magazine when they used to do the little stories at the bottom, and it said that these scientists had actually discovered weightlessness.
And they did a little diagram, and they showed I don't know if it's neurons, ions, eons, whatever they are. But if all the positive ions were going in the same direction and the negative ones were, you had weightlessness.
You had that zero like, kind of when you were saying that, that's what I was visualizing. The But when they're knocking against each other is when it drags you down.
There's there's subtlety to what you're saying. The the antigravitational effect of a noncharged state.
A photon is spaceless, timeless, massless, and chargeless. When it leaves the Milky Way and comes here 26,000 light years away, it arrives the same time it left.
So to somebody who's enlightened, there's no time. Timeless mind, ageless body. But when whenever you have charge, you have space, time, mass, and charge, you're living in a conditional state.
Fermions versus bosons, they call it in physics. And when you do, you now are subject to mass. I call it mass consciousness versus master consciousness or enlightened consciousness.
So there is there is a just a beautiful way of integrating the particle physics world with the psychological world, not just as a metaphor, but in deeper levels.
As Erwin Schrodinger in his one mind construct on mind and atoms that he'd wrote about, he described it. He was a mystic from the Eastern Vedanta, but at the same time, he was a great scientist and gave rise to the Schrodinger equation, which is one of the greatest equations we know in physics.
So that it was the mystic and the scientists that join. True science and true religion don't fight. Pseudoscience and pseudo religions are constantly fighting.
Doctor de Martini, if you don't tell us, we're gonna keep you here forever. Do you need to leave it some time? I do need to go.
Okay. So They just they just they just notify you. Just notify you?
Okay. Yeah. They just because I was told very specific instructions not a minute after a certain time.
Girlfriend
my girlfriend just said, the plane just touched ground. Okay. So I'm Time I won't be in a doghouse if I don't pick her up.
Okay. Let's not we don't want that positive or negative energy, not
not on us. I I just wanna thank you for doing this. You and I just met over the Internet a couple of weeks ago, and you've been super generous to be here just shortly after us talking, and I wanted to experience this.
I wanted my friends and colleagues to experience it, and I think it's truly remarkable and special. What I just wanted to say was I thought, okay.
That was pretty deep, and it just never ends. And you were saying, we're only on column two of 55 or something. Yeah.
We're just like, we scratched the surface. Like, how you hold at it and just this dimension, that dimension, it was just really just just awesome to just witness and see.
And she worked through this path of starting from a deep place of resentment. And I felt that when she said that because we've we know each other and how you moved her through all the different ways of not seeing this. And and then having her just to come to the to the realization that there's a lot of gratitude.
She owes a debt to this other woman, Deborah. Right? Because you would not be here had Deborah not set all these things into motion.
And I keep imagining that had she not spilled the beans on you, you'd be living with tremendous guilt and would be eating you up inside the entire marriage. And it would crack one way or the other with or without her assistance. And so I think she accelerated your growth.
And it's hard to see that because we we'd rather blame people. We go into it, the more profound,
magnificent appreciation you get.
Wow. Okay. Thank you very much, everybody.
Please leave me a round of applause. Thank you so much.
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